This is my voice, my story, my opinions, my beliefs...

"If they love your work that is always great. If they despise it, it is also a compliment... At least they felt something! Make them feel it." ~Anna Jorgenson

Sunday, June 26, 2011

It hurts.

Today I found out that one of my dearest friends committed suicide. We danced together in high school, along with just being really great friends. So many happy memories. I will love you forever.
Also today, my Grandpa, Denis Johnson, passed away. He has been sick for quite some time. My grandmother called everyone to tell us that if we wanted one last goodbye, today was the day. So we went to Springdale. 
At around 6 PM, he went home.
I know that he is no longer in pain. He is now where he has been wanting to go. I know he will watch over the family and everyone he ever met. Most of all, I know he will be there waiting for my mom when it is her turn.
Today has truly been the worst day of my life so far. I feel heartache for Ahia's family. I feel sad for my own family. 
But they are home. No longer hurting. Happy.
It hurts. It hurts really really bad.
Grandpa and Grandma. 50th wedding anniversary cruise.

Denis & Pearl and their beautiful family.
Stan, Denise, Annette, Grandma, Grandpa, Marie (my mom), Lynnett, Joe
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
-Sarah McLachlan

Ahia Nkwocha <3
~miss Rae

friends forever and ever.

Ahia, Josie, McKayla
Life offers a great deal of things. Hardships, trials, love, hate, suffering, good, bad... but one of the greatest things that I have found in this life, so far, is friendship.
It is a lucky thing to find true friends. People you can tell your whole life to, who you can trust, who gets all your jokes because they happened when you were together... Friends are just brothers and sisters who didn't get into your family, but without them, you couldn't get through this life.
Sometimes, we don't realize what a big difference one friend has made in our lives until we are forced to think about it. Sometimes, it is too late to call them and tell them how much you love and appreciate them.
I think they know, though.
I think that now my friend is so unbelievably happy!
I hope you know how much you will be missed, baby girl. I hope you know how much I love you and always ALWAYS will.
Say hello to Salyce for me.
Endless love and hugs forever,
~ Josie Rae

Friday, June 24, 2011

possibly a little much

Something has happened, World. I'm not quite sure as to what exactly the something is, nor do I know where it will lead, how things will go from here, or what to do in order to figure it all out. What I do know is that I feel happy. I feel beautiful. I feel truly special! Which, for those of you who don't know me, all of these feelings are pretty rare for me.
Part of me feels the need to run. Just ignore it all, run for the hills, and forever be my cynical self... alone. Alone, sure, but safe. Safe from setting my heart and mind on a notion, and being disappointed. Safe from being fooled, again. Safe from the hurt. Safe from feelings. Safe from... life? Now that doesn't sound fun at all!
Where is the adventure? What happened to courage, thick skin, strength!? It just got lost, that's all.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to try to be happy. I don't care how hasty, how idiotic, how frightening I may trick my mind into believing.
I deserve to feel beautiful, right? I deserve this. THIS! This is going to be fun.
It all began with a boy, only he told me, "I am not a boy, I'm a man!" Hallelujah a real live man! I normally am not the kind of girl who appreciates "cutsie things." Being showered with compliments, believing it when they say I look pretty... I don't fall for it, is how i like to see it... For some reason, I don't mind it at all when he says it, though. In fact, I believe him.
It is extremely difficult for me to open up to someone. Sure, I can tell stories, experiences that I have gone through and overcome, but only because maybe it will help whoever can hear. Letting people get to me on an emotional level is so unbelievably challenging for me. Due to things in my life, I have trained myself to be this way. As I have mentioned before, physical, not emotional.
I explained to someone once that the way I see it is, "in my heart there is only so much room. In my heart is my family and not much else. They have the ability to affect me on an emotional level. That same heart is already broken, taped together, and closed. There is no room right now because I don't know if I can take another breaking anytime soon..." I do know, however, that I was wrong when I told that someone that there is no room in my heart. I was wrong because that someone made room. Made room, made me feel, made me love? And then broke me from the inside out. Good thing I set my mind up for such an occasion. I am still healing. Taping it all back together.
Love is a twisted thing. It will spit on you, tease you, and pick you very last. But at nighttime, when all seems lost, Love will kiss you softly into sweet dreams of better things. Whether that love comes from a special someone, a family member, a memory, or a stranger's smile encored to that great stage in the mind. Love will kiss it all better.
It can fix this broken heart of mine. Even the simplest bit of love. It can mend me.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, next week, or on the 5th of July. What I know is that something inside of me is burning. That something is a bit of happiness. I can see it in my eyes when I get ready in the morning. I am ready for anything. I am ready to try and I am ready to cry. Isn't that the key? To expect to unexpected. Carpe diem. Live and let live. Let it be.
I cannot be certain where my life is going. Right now, in this moment, at 2:20 AM on June 24, 2011, I, Josie Rae, am happy. And that, my friends, is a big deal. I will remember it forever as a good minute.

~miss Rae

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

You annoy me.

I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going, patient person. I put up with a lot, and I try to keep myself under control. Well, World, I am human. Sometimes, things just really "grind my gears." Sometimes when I drive, I get very annoyed. Sometimes when I am walking through Walmart, I see people who are, lets just say bulging and flopping out of their shorti shorts and spaghetti straps, and that annoys me too. Sometimes I see Crocs (you know, the plastic shoes.)  They are disgustingly hideous, and just the thought of them annoys me...
people who drive slow in the fast lane? you annoy me.
You know when you are in a hurry, or maybe you just want to go the speed limit at least, and some quack who doesn't know what they are doing clogs up the road by driving as slowly as possible in the fast lane? Doesn't anyone know the rules? Does this bother only me? When I want to go slow, I get in the right lane so people can pass me if they want to. It's called being a good and considerate driver, folks. Get with the program.
fingernail polish on my fingernails.
I love it when other ladies have their "nails did," polish on my nails, though, is quite annoying. I just pick at them. They are distracting. That is all.

Right now, it is annoying to me that I don't know what to write about. Although, that is not entirely true. I know exactly what I want to write about, but it will wait until later. I need to sort it all out in my head.

~miss Rae

Sunday, June 19, 2011

dear daddy,

It's Father's Day, again. This time, we get along.  I have always been a "daddy's girl," always wanting to do the camping thing, make you proud, I have taken after you in so many ways. We are two opposite souls, Dad. This meant war for a while there. I'm so happy that you either see or are pretending to see where I'm coming from, as I have always tried to see your perspective on things.
I just wanted to take this time out to reflect on the good times we have shared. Moments that don't look so special from an outside view, but that I hold close to my heart always.
Daddy, I remember the first time I saw you really cry. It made me believe that you really were human, and not a feelingless macho man. It meant a lot to me to see you break down for just a second. I know that sounds bad, I don't mean that I want you to be sad, just that it was nice to see a soft side of you. Not trying to be so tough, like we all do, a family trait.
Camping and adventuring are things that you do well. I always love and look forward to hanging out with you outside. We share an appreciation for the simplest of things. Things that other people don't think to notice, beautiful miracles that I cannot imagine leaving unnoticed.
I could go on and on. I just want to say that I am glad that we are friends these days. I know you have been trying really hard, it shows, and it means a lot to me. I'm trying too. I am trying to make you proud.
I love you, Daddy. We are in this together. I think of that photo of you and I, when I was just a baby. We are both asleep, me in my swimmer, tucked in my daddy's arms.
Love, Your Critter Gitter
~miss Rae

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

kid forever

Life: It will spit on you, leave you out, pick you last, punch you in the nose... and then at the end of the day it will softly kiss you into a dream. 
I want to be a kid forever. 
I want my mom's cancer to go away.
I want to make a difference.
I want to fall in love with someone who loves me.
I want to see everything.
I want to be able to take care of myself.
I guess I won't be a kid forever.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

and then her eyes opened a little bit wider.

My mom just passed out from pain shooting in her left neck gland. Good thing I was standing right next to her this time, so she could go down easily, dodging another bruise.

Sometimes I get really scared. I get scared and distracted. I messed up the macaroni.

~ miss Rae

Monday, June 6, 2011

change within, change the world.

"If the thought comes that says you aren't good enough, tell that thought to go to Hell, because that is where it came from!"
That, my friends, is what I learned in church today. HA! A beautiful quote by who knows whom, I should find out. But what does it mean? You know the thought, "Boo! you suck." or, "No, you can't." Like that little engine who could... Sometimes, I want to tell that little engine to shut the hell up. Sometimes it gets to be more than I can bare. Sometimes, it just seems like it would be easier for everyone if I just disappeared. Even for myself. To just escape. I may just do that one of these days, so don't even panic if it happens.
In all honesty though, I feel like no matter what at least ONE person has to care, right? At least one person, or maybe one thing. Maybe, even if you live all alone and have no one, know no one, maybe you still have a pet, or a little house-plant. I bet house-plants care... yeah, I went there.
I always get off track. Back to what I was saying.
We get these thoughts, these thoughts of no worth at all. They tell us that we aren't good enough, not strong enough, not worth anything. These thoughts really are just nasty liars. Who likes a liar? Who listens to a liar? Not me. At least, I try not to. The way I see it is that every person, no matter where they come from, how they are raised, what they believe, is worth everything and deserves nothing but kindness. Do we always get it? Not a chance. That is the crummy thing about it. Of course, in order to receive kindness, love, compassion, etc, we have to give it, or at least try. Which is the tricky part. I am well aware of idiotic freaks who annoy all things good out of me... And I definitely let them know on occasion. It is a problem, the filter system, the nonexistent filtering system in me. A problem, yes, but a doable fix.
What we need to remember, though, is that people are full of surprises. Sometimes not in the good way. Sometimes the ones you held most dear let you fall flat on your face when you had already fallen on your ass. Just remember that it sucks. And it might suck for a while, but you definitely don't deserve it and cannot dwell on it! I don't care what you have or haven't done. Plus, dwelling on unhappy things never helped anyone. Action, action helps. There would still be horrific slavery, people being herded like cattle, people being slaughtered for looking at someone "wrong," smoking in restaurants, no freedoms, civilizations being wiped out, differences being viewed as dangerous insects, had no one THOUGHT to stand up, take action, and make a change.
You can't feel love until you give it. You can't feel happiness until you spread it. The world will not know peace until you share it.
"We must be the change we wish to see in the world." ~ Mahatma Gandhi
Change begins with us. That change happens inside. A change of heart, a change of mind. So tell those thoughts, those nagging, unforgiving, hateful thoughts to "go to Hell, because that is where they came from." And make a change. To someone, even if it is just for you, it will make a mighty difference.

After all, it may change the world. The world could use a little change for the better.

~ miss Rae

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Let me just add...

Okay, I am just going to add to the Bambi thing, here.
I would say that after I say what I want to say, I will be done with this topic, but that is probably not so. Just a warning...
So, bunny bashing... I didn't really get it all out of my system, like I like to do. HAHA
When I speak about this with people, "They" (usually a basher in disguise) will say to me, "Joz, its like pest control, really. There are so many bunnies. Bunny bashing is not a big deal because they would overpopulate otherwise..." This is the idiotic argument presented to me. Really? Well, okay, idiot, let's just pretend for a minute that your rationalization, your excuse for cold blooded behavior makes sense. Let's just pretend that there is no such thing as a natural order of things, no such thing as other creatures like rattlesnakes, coyotes, bob cats, hawks, and other such critter eating beasts here, in Southern Utah, who, coincidentally, enjoy hunting for live bunnies and accomplishing a kill for dinner. Just pretend that you are in charge of another living thing's fate. That it is up to you keep the balance of nature balanced...
This is my reply to you. (You, being the bashing bastards.)
In my opinion, there is an overpopulation of idiots in this world. Idiot people just keep mating like rabbits and create idiot kids who do idiot things. Therefore, it is my duty to do a little "pest control," right? Just bash the idiots over the head. Right after they scream bloody murder, right?
WRONG! Of course it is NOT okay for me to do that, you sick-os!
I hope that puts it into perspective, though... If there truly was a bunny problem. I feel like there would be a job created to take care of it. Heaven knows people need jobs these days. Not just a bunch of juiced up, perverted guys, and their equally nasty girls who are too feather-headed to stand up to those schmucks in fear of not appearing "laid back." Ladies, it's not cute. And if you actually like going on adventures like this, adventures with your boys to go kill furry things instead of going and having some real fun...? Sometimes I like to go on a nice hike, stargazing, out to dinner, maybe go to a shelter and help cute bunnies find homes with my boy... I dunno, that's just me. If those things don't appeal to you, then, I suppose, you are as perverted as the juiced up idiots, only worse. Women are naturally nurturing... You are going against nature. Therefore, you are actually putting on an act. Girls, your act makes you appear to be super easy, extra trashy, and way yummy with those bunny guts on your sneakers. Which I guess that's okay if you are, in fact, all of those things.
Have we become completely desensitized, people? Well, God bless.

And now, for your viewing pleasure... BUNNIES! and other things.

awww! cute! a bunny...

AWW!! CUTE! another bunny...

Aww! not quite as fluffy, but still cute! This a a jack rabbit.
Found in Hurricane, Utah and surrounding areas.
Being bashed.
By idiots.

"Hi! I am a coyote. I like to eat overpopulating bunnies!"

"Hi! I'm a bobcat... I also like to hunt overpopulating bunnies."

"Sup. I'm a hawk. I like to chase bunnies, too."

"Hey, we can't talk because we were violently killed."

Okay. There it is. My shhpeel, my angst, in writing, toward certain bunny bashers whom I have both been acquainted with, invited to go one these adventures with and were furiously turned down, and those I have never met. I'm sorry. I'm super passionate.

~ miss Rae