This is my voice, my story, my opinions, my beliefs...

"If they love your work that is always great. If they despise it, it is also a compliment... At least they felt something! Make them feel it." ~Anna Jorgenson

Sunday, March 11, 2012

I could scream, but it would wake the neighbors.

I could literally puke from this taste in my mouth. What a terrible fool I have been. A terrible, gullible, love hungry fool. I'm done. I am done, done, DONE with all of the bullshit. I am done with all of the assholes. I am done with all of the freaking OVER-GROWN BOYS who think its cute to turn on the charm, dangle it in front of you, and whisper words like "you're beautiful." words like "I love you." And worst of all, when there are no words, just gasps for breath, groans, moans, screams, kisses, pure laughter... This is not just the sounds of sex, people. These are sweet sounds that can only be heard when you really feel it... When you actually FEEL that love thing. That stupid fucking love thing.
...What a joke.
I am laughing hysterically.
My favorite part is when they don't have the balls to tell you to your face. When they have the balls to say "I love you, sweetheart" when you are there beside them and then... "oh wait, just kidding" on the phone. A man would tell me I wasn't good enough to my face. Even I have had the decency to do that in the past. I promise, you don't even have to sugar coat it. I pinky fucking swear! Just sit me down and say it like this; boys, grab a pen and paper. Girls too! Write this down. I mean it! Take this opportunity. I'm basically writing your "We are breaking up" script.
Quick. Efficient. To the point. My father would like this method, I imagine.
Listen     (name goes here)   . Here's the thing.  You are actually not quite as great as I thought you were, and things are just not working out the way I thought they would. We're done, sweetheart... Quicky before you go?
BAM! done. easy... I added that last part as a favor because I feel like it would make it easier to walk away from while feeling awesome about yourself.

Another thing I love is when people pull the friend card. It goes something like this... "You know, I don't want to be with you, but we should totally be friends and hang out. Because that won't be weird at all ever and we totally won't "accidentally" have hot hate sex every time we "hang out."
It is a rare thing, indeed, when the friend plan actually works. In my limited experience, having only a very small handful of actual "relationships," it doesn't work at all. But I guess we have to take into consideration what kinds of boyfriends I have had to deal with...
Option A: ex is a large child who enjoys doing nothing but lay around and whine about his ex girlfriend who is in fact an ugly skeeze, making one feel like maybe the ugly skeeze was right to cheat on him...
Option B:  ex is a rapist psychopath whom one avoids at all costs and would rather walk around with salt in ones eye for the rest of ones life than having to spend one minute speaking with him... Not like one could understand him anyway because he probably heard the english language for the first time about a week and a half before one met him.
Option C: ex is unstable in basically every sense of the word. One is blamed for any and all problems in the relationship and he has no problems at all. One seeks professional help of the psychiatric variety and realizes that one would probably die of suicide if one remained in the relationship any longer... Ex tries to beat one to the point, but fails, and one figures that she is not the only one feeling suicidal.
Or option D: (Which hurts the very worst...) I am still in love with this ex. Maybe it's because he dumped me and I don't know how to deal with that situation. Maybe its because he was so damn sweet about it. He gave me a teddy bear for valentines day, last month. No boy has ever gotten me a teddy bear. Is it bad that I sleep with it still? It keeps the nightmares away... Maybe it just hurts so bad because he pulled the friend card. I want to be friends so bad. He doesn't actually have time to be my friend though. Not anymore. I try not to think about that guy...

He's out there. A man. A man who wants to love me. Forever. A man who is not too busy, or too stressed, or psycho, or self centered. A man who will hold me on nights like these. Nights that I cry. On nights where the world is just a little too much... He will hold me so close. Things like cancer, money, cars that don't work, periods, tumors, weight, and teddy bears won't matter much. Because when he puts his arms around me, everything will become far away. Like that feeling right before you faint. When everything gets muffled and far away... Everything will become perfect. Because even though life isn't perfect and never will be, he will make it feel that way. He will be my perfect and I will be his. We will fit together like the Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley puzzle I just bought.

And so it is.

~miss Rae

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


The sun is coming up. 
Who sleeps these days?
Just you think about what we would have missed, though.
Just think.

If we went to bed on time, this night would have been normal.
Normal is a boring thing.
Taking walks at 3 AM
Chatting with the cops...

These cops are nosy in this town.
Can't people go for walks without being hassled by the cops?
"I guess I don't blame them for talking to us. Only the tweaks roam the streets right now."
We spill our guts.

Secrets I like to keep inside haunt me in the dark.
They sneak through my lips like naughty children stealing cookies after bedtime.
You are a good listener.
I am sorry for talking so much.

Stop me whenever you want.
Seven-oh-three and we are wide awake.
Its good to do sometimes.
Charlie, your class starts in an hour.

Real talk.
Where are we headed?
A world we can't even imagine.

We are going to be the one's they call great.
They underestimate who we are.
Everything will fall right into place.
We just have to make it that far.

Locked out of the room with the black lights, now off
What a clown that Blue guy is sometimes.
What a dirty door locking clown.
The tissues ran away with the girl trying to catch her nose.

Seven-twelve in the morning
Where did the night time go?
Throats coated
Eyes wide.

What are the rules about yesterday and today
When there is not a wink of sleep to tell?
Does tomorrow come when I wake up?
Or do the clocks have to tell us when and how.

When did we get old...
How did this happen...
The time keeps passing way too quick.
And I'm afraid that happens whether we sleep or not.

And so it is...

~miss Rae  

Monday, March 5, 2012

As you grow up, you will have your heart 

broken more than once and it's harder every 

time. You'll break hearts too, so remember 

how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight 

with your best friend. You'll cry because time 

is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose 

someone you love. So take too many pictures, 

laugh too much and love like you've never 

been hurt. Because every sixty seconds you 

spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll 

never get back. ♥

(I don't know who said this. Do me a solid and find out? I am 

in love with this!)

~miss Rae

Sunday, March 4, 2012

to be fit

Hello readers, whoever you are. I'll just come out and say it... I am a chunk! Due to some brain issues, my body is just a retard and doesn't know how to get into shape no matter what I do... Believe me, even at a very young age, I tried all the diets, ran at least a mile a day, played outside all the time, swim team, soccer, dance, weight watchers, atkins, fasting, cleansing, purging, HCG.. You name it. You have no idea how frustrating this is. Especially where I grew up in a family that is all about health and fitness. I, too am very much into eating right and being active. Unfortunately, its not as easy as working out every day and eating right. Of course that would at least make my body as healthy and as strong as it could be. I'm not going to lie, I can do better! So here is my plan, written down and public so I can try harder! A life change. Every woman wants to look her best and I definitely do not. I am not going to let "hyperprolactinemia" (or however it is spelled) be an excuse anymore.
Starting NOW, things are going to be different!
I'm not going to make a list of things I can't have, but rather make a list of things that I can do. It's less depressing that way. So here we go.

  • Do something extremely active for at least an hour every day. (if I don't feel like I absolutely need a shower when I'm done, I won't be allowed to be done! Ya dig?)
  • Make meals at home that are high in natural goodness. aka live foods. aka organic, things that aren't dead, fresh... i.e. seeds, nuts, fruits, veggies, whole grains, perhaps some fish once a week (gotta have my fish!)
And that is the end of the list! See how easy that is? I guess we will find out.

inspirational photograph.

As always, thanks for reading! And if you have any tips or things that have worked well for you, please share! I can use all the help I can get.

~miss Rae