...What a joke.
I am laughing hysterically.
My favorite part is when they don't have the balls to tell you to your face. When they have the balls to say "I love you, sweetheart" when you are there beside them and then... "oh wait, just kidding" on the phone. A man would tell me I wasn't good enough to my face. Even I have had the decency to do that in the past. I promise, you don't even have to sugar coat it. I pinky fucking swear! Just sit me down and say it like this; boys, grab a pen and paper. Girls too! Write this down. I mean it! Take this opportunity. I'm basically writing your "We are breaking up" script.
Quick. Efficient. To the point. My father would like this method, I imagine.
Listen (name goes here) . Here's the thing. You are actually not quite as great as I thought you were, and things are just not working out the way I thought they would. We're done, sweetheart... Quicky before you go?BAM! done. easy... I added that last part as a favor because I feel like it would make it easier to walk away from while feeling awesome about yourself.
Another thing I love is when people pull the friend card. It goes something like this... "You know, I don't want to be with you, but we should totally be friends and hang out. Because that won't be weird at all ever and we totally won't "accidentally" have hot hate sex every time we "hang out."
It is a rare thing, indeed, when the friend plan actually works. In my limited experience, having only a very small handful of actual "relationships," it doesn't work at all. But I guess we have to take into consideration what kinds of boyfriends I have had to deal with...
Option A: ex is a large child who enjoys doing nothing but lay around and whine about his ex girlfriend who is in fact an ugly skeeze, making one feel like maybe the ugly skeeze was right to cheat on him...
Option B: ex is a rapist psychopath whom one avoids at all costs and would rather walk around with salt in ones eye for the rest of ones life than having to spend one minute speaking with him... Not like one could understand him anyway because he probably heard the english language for the first time about a week and a half before one met him.
Option C: ex is unstable in basically every sense of the word. One is blamed for any and all problems in the relationship and he has no problems at all. One seeks professional help of the psychiatric variety and realizes that one would probably die of suicide if one remained in the relationship any longer... Ex tries to beat one to the point, but fails, and one figures that she is not the only one feeling suicidal.
Or option D: (Which hurts the very worst...) I am still in love with this ex. Maybe it's because he dumped me and I don't know how to deal with that situation. Maybe its because he was so damn sweet about it. He gave me a teddy bear for valentines day, last month. No boy has ever gotten me a teddy bear. Is it bad that I sleep with it still? It keeps the nightmares away... Maybe it just hurts so bad because he pulled the friend card. I want to be friends so bad. He doesn't actually have time to be my friend though. Not anymore. I try not to think about that guy...
He's out there. A man. A man who wants to love me. Forever. A man who is not too busy, or too stressed, or psycho, or self centered. A man who will hold me on nights like these. Nights that I cry. On nights where the world is just a little too much... He will hold me so close. Things like cancer, money, cars that don't work, periods, tumors, weight, and teddy bears won't matter much. Because when he puts his arms around me, everything will become far away. Like that feeling right before you faint. When everything gets muffled and far away... Everything will become perfect. Because even though life isn't perfect and never will be, he will make it feel that way. He will be my perfect and I will be his. We will fit together like the Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley puzzle I just bought.
And so it is.