numb.

World:

The ride is over. Please get off.

I don't know what to do.

I wanted so badly for everything to be okay for just a minute. Is that too much to ask? Yes. 

I gave love a chance. It was amazing until it hurt.

Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much you love something. It doesn't matter how much work you put forth, or how much you sacrifice... Sometimes when all you want is to be happy forever, forever says "SCREW YOU! I don't care how much you love him. I don't care how much it hurts. You aren't getting it. End of discussion." 

Sometimes, you have to take care of yourself. You can't take care of another person if you can't even take care of yourself. It's hard to lift yourself up when at the same time, everything else is trying to pull you under. It's exhausting. I am exhausted.

I am mad.

I am sad. 

I am confused. 

I am awake.

Can I go back to sleep now?

She lives again!

Hello world. I'm back.
I left here for a bit, mostly because I started school and got out of the habit... But I would just like to say that I have missed you so much! Missed writing, anyway. Not exactly sure if anyone actually reads this.
So right at this moment, I am making brown rice. Hopefully it turns out okay, because if not, this starving college student is going to be a little bit starving-errr!
I'm pretty stoked about this brown rice thing. approximately 26 minutes to go!
So, World, I know how anxious you have been to hear a story. (pretend to be anxious)
Once upon a time, this one girl fell in love with a boy whom we will call Pablo. Yes this is a story about me, and no, the boy's name isn't actually Pablo. But it sounds nice, right?
Well, Pablo was great. and they were happy. Until one day, Pablo messed up. BIG TIME.
But the girl was in love with him. Even though he liked Sci-Fi. Even though he was kind of socially weird. And even though he tended to dig his holes very very deep and was difficult to deal with like a small ginger child who won't stop asking for candy... He loved her. He showed it. Aaaand... He was an amazing kisser.
So she decided to give him one more chance to prove that he can be a man. But she was not going to just dive back into a relationship with him and risk getting re-broken...
As for now, my zebra duct taping skills are fast at work, holding my heart and car window together...
All my love! to You and yours.
~miss Rae

Which way?

I often think that I know what I'm doing. Mostly because, as a 19 year old girl, I am still legally a teenager and am therefore required to think I know everything. Which obviously, I do.
As the months go, though, I get closer and closer to 20. I think my knowledge is dwindling. I don't know where to go from here.

~miss rae

"Our time together is just never quite enough..."

Chemo

Chemotherapy is the treatment of cancer with an antineoplastic drug or with a combination of such drugs into a standardized treatment regimen.


Her treatment has always been something we call "pain management." Complete with all of the usual suspects. Painkillers.
Now things will change. Things could become good, as in better, less pain... or. Things could get worse, aggravated, aggressive.  

stuck?

I have decided that chains and dental floss are practically the same thing. They are both useful and helpful, yes, but they both can also be quite inconvenient. If one was to be locked up with a chain, I feel that one would feel upset about the situation. Figuratively and physically. A figurative chain, in my opinion is worse than an actual chain. An actual chain is tangible, you can see it, feel it, find it's weak spot and bust free. Figurative chains, or the ones that hold us back in our imaginations, are not quite as easy to become free from. Sometimes they aren't chains at all, we just think they are because being stubborn human beings, we tend to run away with our emotions before truly analyzing situations, causing us to appear pig headed and all manner of other rude names. All of which are very accurate descriptions, I'm afraid.
So where am I going with all this? I find myself in a pickle. I want to just GO GO GO! But there are so many things telling me, "uh, no." Rude. For example, I want my car to not be a piece of junk and start when I want it to. I want it fixed. Alas, I have no money. Therefore, Dot (my car) sits, mocking me on the curb. I want to go to school without having to worry about all the debt I am going to be in when I am all done. I want to run away to California and build a life with the man I love. I want to stay here at home and help my mom as much as I can. But I hate home. LOVE pieces of home. It is just really hard to come back home after being on my own for a year... You understand, right? Am I a terrible person? I think not. A little bit of freedom and adult-ness, please? Is that too much to ask?? ........ yes? awesome.
So where does the dental floss come in? Dental floss is amazing for your teeth. It feels great and makes your smile great, too. Heaven forbid if you don't floss every day, the dentist KNOWS! I feel it is my duty to tell the dentist the truth always. I always feel like I am unworthy of my teeth when I leave the dentist office.
Dentist: How often do you floss Miss Leavitt?
Me: At least every year when I come and see you.
Dentist: How is school going?
Me: (trying to speak but his fingers are in my mouth...)
Dentists would make awesome spies. They have the ability to ask any question and their patients physically can't say anything, but their salivary glands go nuts, revealing the truth every time...
Anyway, dental floss is like a chain because A. It is rope like. B. It can be used as a trap. and C. It can strengthen your teeth like a chain can strengthen... snow tires?

That is all.

~miss Rae

day dreams & iced tea at the wee times.

I am sitting here, in my room.
Pictures are diddling in and out, across and through my mind.
Things that have never happened.
Day dreams, of sorts.
I'm day dreaming in the middle of the night.

I am standing still on square one, a freshly chalked, giant hop scotch. This is just the beginning of the game. It's going to be tricky. The goal is to finish without falling, to aim for the best and make it there. "There," at this point, has its options. "There" is with him. "There" is successful. "There" is happy. "There" may be closer than I thought.
Along the way, Mother is going to start Chemo. I won't cast my stone too far just yet. I need to take this game slowly. Mom needs my help.
School is going to require some attention. To be successful, this is a necessary requirement.
Day dream: crushed.

I am day dreaming in the middle of the night.
I am sitting at a table, in a little kitchen nook. I am drinking fresh brewed coffee and working on writing a book. I am wearing giant fuzzy slippers, my hair is wild, and I am wearing an over sized shirt. You walk in with that smile, that smile that makes me think that I can write poetry. Poetry that will be quoted and read by college professors one day. That smile says, in a thousand ways, "I love you." It renders me speechless. The only way I can reply is with  sweet kisses.
I can't wait.

I am day dreaming in the middle of the night. Iced tea and thoughts of the happy and sad things.
Day dreaming, wishing, goodnight.

~miss Rae

guess what...

I am in love.

He is called William.

I just call him Boyfriend.

And he calls me Baby. 

But my favorite is when he calls me Love.

Because that is what we have.

It happened.

~miss Rae