It hurts.

Today I found out that one of my dearest friends committed suicide. We danced together in high school, along with just being really great friends. So many happy memories. I will love you forever.

Also today, my Grandpa, Denis Johnson, passed away. He has been sick for quite some time. My grandmother called everyone to tell us that if we wanted one last goodbye, today was the day. So we went to Springdale. 

At around 6 PM, he went home.

I know that he is no longer in pain. He is now where he has been wanting to go. I know he will watch over the family and everyone he ever met. Most of all, I know he will be there waiting for my mom when it is her turn.

Today has truly been the worst day of my life so far. I feel heartache for Ahia's family. I feel sad for my own family. 

But they are home. No longer hurting. Happy.

It hurts. It hurts really really bad.

Grandpa and Grandma. 50th wedding anniversary cruise.

Denis & Pearl and their beautiful family.
Stan, Denise, Annette, Grandma, Grandpa, Marie (my mom), Lynnett, Joe

    "Angel"

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay

There’s always one reason

To feel not good enough

And it’s hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

Oh beautiful release

Memory seeps from my veins

Let me be empty

And weightless and maybe

I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel

Fly away from here

From this dark cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line

And everywhere you turn

There’s vultures and thieves at your back

And the storm keeps on twisting

You keep on building the lie

That you make up for all that you lack

It don’t make no difference

Escaping one last time

It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh

This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel

Fly away from here

From this dark cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

-Sarah McLachlan

Ahia Nkwocha <3

~miss Rae

friends forever and ever.

Ahia, Josie, McKayla

Life offers a great deal of things. Hardships, trials, love, hate, suffering, good, bad... but one of the greatest things that I have found in this life, so far, is friendship.
It is a lucky thing to find true friends. People you can tell your whole life to, who you can trust, who gets all your jokes because they happened when you were together... Friends are just brothers and sisters who didn't get into your family, but without them, you couldn't get through this life.
Sometimes, we don't realize what a big difference one friend has made in our lives until we are forced to think about it. Sometimes, it is too late to call them and tell them how much you love and appreciate them.
I think they know, though.
I think that now my friend is so unbelievably happy!
I hope you know how much you will be missed, baby girl. I hope you know how much I love you and always ALWAYS will.
Say hello to Salyce for me.
Endless love and hugs forever,
~ Josie Rae

possibly a little much

Something has happened, World. I'm not quite sure as to what exactly the something is, nor do I know where it will lead, how things will go from here, or what to do in order to figure it all out. What I do know is that I feel happy. I feel beautiful. I feel truly special! Which, for those of you who don't know me, all of these feelings are pretty rare for me.
Part of me feels the need to run. Just ignore it all, run for the hills, and forever be my cynical self... alone. Alone, sure, but safe. Safe from setting my heart and mind on a notion, and being disappointed. Safe from being fooled, again. Safe from the hurt. Safe from feelings. Safe from... life? Now that doesn't sound fun at all!
Where is the adventure? What happened to courage, thick skin, strength!? It just got lost, that's all.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to try to be happy. I don't care how hasty, how idiotic, how frightening I may trick my mind into believing.
I deserve to feel beautiful, right? I deserve this. THIS! This is going to be fun.
It all began with a boy, only he told me, "I am not a boy, I'm a man!" Hallelujah a real live man! I normally am not the kind of girl who appreciates "cutsie things." Being showered with compliments, believing it when they say I look pretty... I don't fall for it, is how i like to see it... For some reason, I don't mind it at all when he says it, though. In fact, I believe him.
It is extremely difficult for me to open up to someone. Sure, I can tell stories, experiences that I have gone through and overcome, but only because maybe it will help whoever can hear. Letting people get to me on an emotional level is so unbelievably challenging for me. Due to things in my life, I have trained myself to be this way. As I have mentioned before, physical, not emotional.
I explained to someone once that the way I see it is, "in my heart there is only so much room. In my heart is my family and not much else. They have the ability to affect me on an emotional level. That same heart is already broken, taped together, and closed. There is no room right now because I don't know if I can take another breaking anytime soon..." I do know, however, that I was wrong when I told that someone that there is no room in my heart. I was wrong because that someone made room. Made room, made me feel, made me love? And then broke me from the inside out. Good thing I set my mind up for such an occasion. I am still healing. Taping it all back together.
Love is a twisted thing. It will spit on you, tease you, and pick you very last. But at nighttime, when all seems lost, Love will kiss you softly into sweet dreams of better things. Whether that love comes from a special someone, a family member, a memory, or a stranger's smile encored to that great stage in the mind. Love will kiss it all better.
It can fix this broken heart of mine. Even the simplest bit of love. It can mend me.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, next week, or on the 5th of July. What I know is that something inside of me is burning. That something is a bit of happiness. I can see it in my eyes when I get ready in the morning. I am ready for anything. I am ready to try and I am ready to cry. Isn't that the key? To expect to unexpected. Carpe diem. Live and let live. Let it be.
I cannot be certain where my life is going. Right now, in this moment, at 2:20 AM on June 24, 2011, I, Josie Rae, am happy. And that, my friends, is a big deal. I will remember it forever as a good minute.

~miss Rae

You annoy me.

I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going, patient person. I put up with a lot, and I try to keep myself under control. Well, World, I am human. Sometimes, things just really "grind my gears." Sometimes when I drive, I get very annoyed. Sometimes when I am walking through Walmart, I see people who are, lets just say bulging and flopping out of their shorti shorts and spaghetti straps, and that annoys me too. Sometimes I see Crocs (you know, the plastic shoes.)  They are disgustingly hideous, and just the thought of them annoys me...

people who drive slow in the fast lane? you annoy me.

You know when you are in a hurry, or maybe you just want to go the speed limit at least, and some quack who doesn't know what they are doing clogs up the road by driving as slowly as possible in the fast lane? Doesn't anyone know the rules? Does this bother only me? When I want to go slow, I get in the right lane so people can pass me if they want to. It's called being a good and considerate driver, folks. Get with the program.

fingernail polish on my fingernails.

I love it when other ladies have their "nails did," polish on my nails, though, is quite annoying. I just pick at them. They are distracting. That is all.

Right now, it is annoying to me that I don't know what to write about. Although, that is not entirely true. I know exactly what I want to write about, but it will wait until later. I need to sort it all out in my head.

~miss Rae

dear daddy,

It's Father's Day, again. This time, we get along.  I have always been a "daddy's girl," always wanting to do the camping thing, make you proud, I have taken after you in so many ways. We are two opposite souls, Dad. This meant war for a while there. I'm so happy that you either see or are pretending to see where I'm coming from, as I have always tried to see your perspective on things.
I just wanted to take this time out to reflect on the good times we have shared. Moments that don't look so special from an outside view, but that I hold close to my heart always.
Daddy, I remember the first time I saw you really cry. It made me believe that you really were human, and not a feelingless macho man. It meant a lot to me to see you break down for just a second. I know that sounds bad, I don't mean that I want you to be sad, just that it was nice to see a soft side of you. Not trying to be so tough, like we all do, a family trait.
Camping and adventuring are things that you do well. I always love and look forward to hanging out with you outside. We share an appreciation for the simplest of things. Things that other people don't think to notice, beautiful miracles that I cannot imagine leaving unnoticed.
I could go on and on. I just want to say that I am glad that we are friends these days. I know you have been trying really hard, it shows, and it means a lot to me. I'm trying too. I am trying to make you proud.
I love you, Daddy. We are in this together. I think of that photo of you and I, when I was just a baby. We are both asleep, me in my swimmer, tucked in my daddy's arms.
Love, Your Critter Gitter
~miss Rae

kid forever

Life: It will spit on you, leave you out, pick you last, punch you in the nose... and then at the end of the day it will softly kiss you into a dream. 
I want to be a kid forever. 
I want my mom's cancer to go away.
I want to make a difference.
I want to fall in love with someone who loves me.
I want to see everything.
I want to be able to take care of myself.
I guess I won't be a kid forever.

and then her eyes opened a little bit wider.

My mom just passed out from pain shooting in her left neck gland. Good thing I was standing right next to her this time, so she could go down easily, dodging another bruise.

Sometimes I get really scared. I get scared and distracted. I messed up the macaroni.

~ miss Rae