stuck?

I have decided that chains and dental floss are practically the same thing. They are both useful and helpful, yes, but they both can also be quite inconvenient. If one was to be locked up with a chain, I feel that one would feel upset about the situation. Figuratively and physically. A figurative chain, in my opinion is worse than an actual chain. An actual chain is tangible, you can see it, feel it, find it's weak spot and bust free. Figurative chains, or the ones that hold us back in our imaginations, are not quite as easy to become free from. Sometimes they aren't chains at all, we just think they are because being stubborn human beings, we tend to run away with our emotions before truly analyzing situations, causing us to appear pig headed and all manner of other rude names. All of which are very accurate descriptions, I'm afraid.
So where am I going with all this? I find myself in a pickle. I want to just GO GO GO! But there are so many things telling me, "uh, no." Rude. For example, I want my car to not be a piece of junk and start when I want it to. I want it fixed. Alas, I have no money. Therefore, Dot (my car) sits, mocking me on the curb. I want to go to school without having to worry about all the debt I am going to be in when I am all done. I want to run away to California and build a life with the man I love. I want to stay here at home and help my mom as much as I can. But I hate home. LOVE pieces of home. It is just really hard to come back home after being on my own for a year... You understand, right? Am I a terrible person? I think not. A little bit of freedom and adult-ness, please? Is that too much to ask?? ........ yes? awesome.
So where does the dental floss come in? Dental floss is amazing for your teeth. It feels great and makes your smile great, too. Heaven forbid if you don't floss every day, the dentist KNOWS! I feel it is my duty to tell the dentist the truth always. I always feel like I am unworthy of my teeth when I leave the dentist office.
Dentist: How often do you floss Miss Leavitt?
Me: At least every year when I come and see you.
Dentist: How is school going?
Me: (trying to speak but his fingers are in my mouth...)
Dentists would make awesome spies. They have the ability to ask any question and their patients physically can't say anything, but their salivary glands go nuts, revealing the truth every time...
Anyway, dental floss is like a chain because A. It is rope like. B. It can be used as a trap. and C. It can strengthen your teeth like a chain can strengthen... snow tires?

That is all.

~miss Rae

day dreams & iced tea at the wee times.

I am sitting here, in my room.
Pictures are diddling in and out, across and through my mind.
Things that have never happened.
Day dreams, of sorts.
I'm day dreaming in the middle of the night.

I am standing still on square one, a freshly chalked, giant hop scotch. This is just the beginning of the game. It's going to be tricky. The goal is to finish without falling, to aim for the best and make it there. "There," at this point, has its options. "There" is with him. "There" is successful. "There" is happy. "There" may be closer than I thought.
Along the way, Mother is going to start Chemo. I won't cast my stone too far just yet. I need to take this game slowly. Mom needs my help.
School is going to require some attention. To be successful, this is a necessary requirement.
Day dream: crushed.

I am day dreaming in the middle of the night.
I am sitting at a table, in a little kitchen nook. I am drinking fresh brewed coffee and working on writing a book. I am wearing giant fuzzy slippers, my hair is wild, and I am wearing an over sized shirt. You walk in with that smile, that smile that makes me think that I can write poetry. Poetry that will be quoted and read by college professors one day. That smile says, in a thousand ways, "I love you." It renders me speechless. The only way I can reply is with  sweet kisses.
I can't wait.

I am day dreaming in the middle of the night. Iced tea and thoughts of the happy and sad things.
Day dreaming, wishing, goodnight.

~miss Rae

guess what...

I am in love.

He is called William.

I just call him Boyfriend.

And he calls me Baby. 

But my favorite is when he calls me Love.

Because that is what we have.

It happened.

~miss Rae

It hurts.

Today I found out that one of my dearest friends committed suicide. We danced together in high school, along with just being really great friends. So many happy memories. I will love you forever.

Also today, my Grandpa, Denis Johnson, passed away. He has been sick for quite some time. My grandmother called everyone to tell us that if we wanted one last goodbye, today was the day. So we went to Springdale. 

At around 6 PM, he went home.

I know that he is no longer in pain. He is now where he has been wanting to go. I know he will watch over the family and everyone he ever met. Most of all, I know he will be there waiting for my mom when it is her turn.

Today has truly been the worst day of my life so far. I feel heartache for Ahia's family. I feel sad for my own family. 

But they are home. No longer hurting. Happy.

It hurts. It hurts really really bad.

Grandpa and Grandma. 50th wedding anniversary cruise.

Denis & Pearl and their beautiful family.
Stan, Denise, Annette, Grandma, Grandpa, Marie (my mom), Lynnett, Joe

    "Angel"

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay

There’s always one reason

To feel not good enough

And it’s hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

Oh beautiful release

Memory seeps from my veins

Let me be empty

And weightless and maybe

I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel

Fly away from here

From this dark cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line

And everywhere you turn

There’s vultures and thieves at your back

And the storm keeps on twisting

You keep on building the lie

That you make up for all that you lack

It don’t make no difference

Escaping one last time

It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh

This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel

Fly away from here

From this dark cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

-Sarah McLachlan

Ahia Nkwocha <3

~miss Rae

friends forever and ever.

Ahia, Josie, McKayla

Life offers a great deal of things. Hardships, trials, love, hate, suffering, good, bad... but one of the greatest things that I have found in this life, so far, is friendship.
It is a lucky thing to find true friends. People you can tell your whole life to, who you can trust, who gets all your jokes because they happened when you were together... Friends are just brothers and sisters who didn't get into your family, but without them, you couldn't get through this life.
Sometimes, we don't realize what a big difference one friend has made in our lives until we are forced to think about it. Sometimes, it is too late to call them and tell them how much you love and appreciate them.
I think they know, though.
I think that now my friend is so unbelievably happy!
I hope you know how much you will be missed, baby girl. I hope you know how much I love you and always ALWAYS will.
Say hello to Salyce for me.
Endless love and hugs forever,
~ Josie Rae

possibly a little much

Something has happened, World. I'm not quite sure as to what exactly the something is, nor do I know where it will lead, how things will go from here, or what to do in order to figure it all out. What I do know is that I feel happy. I feel beautiful. I feel truly special! Which, for those of you who don't know me, all of these feelings are pretty rare for me.
Part of me feels the need to run. Just ignore it all, run for the hills, and forever be my cynical self... alone. Alone, sure, but safe. Safe from setting my heart and mind on a notion, and being disappointed. Safe from being fooled, again. Safe from the hurt. Safe from feelings. Safe from... life? Now that doesn't sound fun at all!
Where is the adventure? What happened to courage, thick skin, strength!? It just got lost, that's all.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to try to be happy. I don't care how hasty, how idiotic, how frightening I may trick my mind into believing.
I deserve to feel beautiful, right? I deserve this. THIS! This is going to be fun.
It all began with a boy, only he told me, "I am not a boy, I'm a man!" Hallelujah a real live man! I normally am not the kind of girl who appreciates "cutsie things." Being showered with compliments, believing it when they say I look pretty... I don't fall for it, is how i like to see it... For some reason, I don't mind it at all when he says it, though. In fact, I believe him.
It is extremely difficult for me to open up to someone. Sure, I can tell stories, experiences that I have gone through and overcome, but only because maybe it will help whoever can hear. Letting people get to me on an emotional level is so unbelievably challenging for me. Due to things in my life, I have trained myself to be this way. As I have mentioned before, physical, not emotional.
I explained to someone once that the way I see it is, "in my heart there is only so much room. In my heart is my family and not much else. They have the ability to affect me on an emotional level. That same heart is already broken, taped together, and closed. There is no room right now because I don't know if I can take another breaking anytime soon..." I do know, however, that I was wrong when I told that someone that there is no room in my heart. I was wrong because that someone made room. Made room, made me feel, made me love? And then broke me from the inside out. Good thing I set my mind up for such an occasion. I am still healing. Taping it all back together.
Love is a twisted thing. It will spit on you, tease you, and pick you very last. But at nighttime, when all seems lost, Love will kiss you softly into sweet dreams of better things. Whether that love comes from a special someone, a family member, a memory, or a stranger's smile encored to that great stage in the mind. Love will kiss it all better.
It can fix this broken heart of mine. Even the simplest bit of love. It can mend me.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, next week, or on the 5th of July. What I know is that something inside of me is burning. That something is a bit of happiness. I can see it in my eyes when I get ready in the morning. I am ready for anything. I am ready to try and I am ready to cry. Isn't that the key? To expect to unexpected. Carpe diem. Live and let live. Let it be.
I cannot be certain where my life is going. Right now, in this moment, at 2:20 AM on June 24, 2011, I, Josie Rae, am happy. And that, my friends, is a big deal. I will remember it forever as a good minute.

~miss Rae

You annoy me.

I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going, patient person. I put up with a lot, and I try to keep myself under control. Well, World, I am human. Sometimes, things just really "grind my gears." Sometimes when I drive, I get very annoyed. Sometimes when I am walking through Walmart, I see people who are, lets just say bulging and flopping out of their shorti shorts and spaghetti straps, and that annoys me too. Sometimes I see Crocs (you know, the plastic shoes.)  They are disgustingly hideous, and just the thought of them annoys me...

people who drive slow in the fast lane? you annoy me.

You know when you are in a hurry, or maybe you just want to go the speed limit at least, and some quack who doesn't know what they are doing clogs up the road by driving as slowly as possible in the fast lane? Doesn't anyone know the rules? Does this bother only me? When I want to go slow, I get in the right lane so people can pass me if they want to. It's called being a good and considerate driver, folks. Get with the program.

fingernail polish on my fingernails.

I love it when other ladies have their "nails did," polish on my nails, though, is quite annoying. I just pick at them. They are distracting. That is all.

Right now, it is annoying to me that I don't know what to write about. Although, that is not entirely true. I know exactly what I want to write about, but it will wait until later. I need to sort it all out in my head.

~miss Rae