Something has happened, World. I'm not quite sure as to what exactly the something is, nor do I know where it will lead, how things will go from here, or what to do in order to figure it all out. What I do know is that I feel happy. I feel beautiful. I feel truly special! Which, for those of you who don't know me, all of these feelings are pretty rare for me.
Part of me feels the need to run. Just ignore it all, run for the hills, and forever be my cynical self... alone. Alone, sure, but safe. Safe from setting my heart and mind on a notion, and being disappointed. Safe from being fooled, again. Safe from the hurt. Safe from feelings. Safe from... life? Now that doesn't sound fun at all!
Where is the adventure? What happened to courage, thick skin, strength!? It just got lost, that's all.
I'm ready to try to be happy. I don't care how hasty, how idiotic, how frightening I may trick my mind into believing.
I deserve to feel beautiful, right? I deserve this. THIS! This is going to be fun.
It all began with a boy, only he told me, "I am not a boy, I'm a man!" Hallelujah a real live man! I normally am not the kind of girl who appreciates "cutsie things." Being showered with compliments, believing it when they say I look pretty... I don't fall for it, is how i like to see it... For some reason, I don't mind it at all when he says it, though. In fact, I believe him.
It is extremely difficult for me to open up to someone. Sure, I can tell stories, experiences that I have gone through and overcome, but only because maybe it will help whoever can hear. Letting people get to me on an emotional level is so unbelievably challenging for me. Due to things in my life, I have trained myself to be this way. As I have mentioned before, physical, not emotional.
I explained to someone once that the way I see it is, "in my heart there is only so much room. In my heart is my family and not much else. They have the ability to affect me on an emotional level. That same heart is already broken, taped together, and closed. There is no room right now because I don't know if I can take another breaking anytime soon..." I do know, however, that I was wrong when I told that someone that there is no room in my heart. I was wrong because that someone made room. Made room, made me feel, made me love? And then broke me from the inside out. Good thing I set my mind up for such an occasion. I am still healing. Taping it all back together.
Love is a twisted thing. It will spit on you, tease you, and pick you very last. But at nighttime, when all seems lost, Love will kiss you softly into sweet dreams of better things. Whether that love comes from a special someone, a family member, a memory, or a stranger's smile encored to that great stage in the mind. Love will kiss it all better.
It can fix this broken heart of mine. Even the simplest bit of love. It can mend me.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, next week, or on the 5th of July. What I know is that something inside of me is burning. That something is a bit of happiness. I can see it in my eyes when I get ready in the morning. I am ready for anything. I am ready to try and I am ready to cry. Isn't that the key? To expect to unexpected. Carpe diem. Live and let live. Let it be.
I cannot be certain where my life is going. Right now, in this moment, at 2:20 AM on June 24, 2011, I, Josie Rae, am happy. And that, my friends, is a big deal. I will remember it forever as a good minute.