This is my voice, my story, my opinions, my beliefs...

"If they love your work that is always great. If they despise it, it is also a compliment... At least they felt something! Make them feel it." ~Anna Jorgenson

Monday, December 26, 2011

Topic Please?

I wish I was an expert in a field that a lot of people are interested in. I suppose I am pretty good at a lot of things, but I'm not really interested in the things I am already good at. I need a new hobby. I need a gym membership. I need to lose about a thousand pounds... Just kidding. Only like 40, but STILL! That's a lot. 
So I am pondering, World. I am pondering about resolutions. I guess it is about that time of year again. 

Possible things that will make my resolution list:

  • Get a Job. (like really)
  • Let my hair GROW
  • Lose 40 pounds. (I wouldn't be upset if I even lost more than that. but whatevs.)
  • Save for a new car
  • Get new apartment (Need Job for this and the car...)
  • Tanning pass
  • Gym membership (use it)
  • Get Cedar shit taken care of by March
I guess that is all I have for right now.. More to come though! 

~miss Rae

Sunday, December 25, 2011

"Twas the night before Christmas..."

...and all through the house, not a creature was stirring... 
except for me, of course!
Christmas Eve, 2011 for about one more minute! (11:59) By the time I finish this sentence, it will be Christmas... .. .There! 
Merry Christmas, World! Also, Happy Holidays to all of you non-Christians out there. You know, in the U.S. Christianity is really huge. It is mind blowing, sometimes, to think about all of the culture in this world! To some, December 25th has no meaning whatsoever. Mind. Blown.

Today, my family celebrated Christmas early. We did this so my sister and her daughter could be a part of the festivities. Christmas is magic when little kids are around. They really make everything so special.
This past week has been very strange. I have felt weird, guys. I can't even explain it. Before yesterday, I was definitely not feeling the "holiday spirit." That all changed around midnight, though. My mom had three quilts made. One for my sister, one for me, and one for my little brother. Out of all of my gifts this year, it was by far my favorite. She said it is so even when one of us is gone, we can always have her arms around us... Me, being the big boob I am, had to cry. I am just one sack of emotions today. (We women get that way on occasion.) I got that holiday spirit, I suppose.
So as I am sitting here, wrapped up in my new quilt, I just want to go for a drive. It has been a long time since I have done that. I'm definitely due for one, that's for sure. Plus, I took a very long nap late in the afternoon today. As such, I am more ruined than usual for sleeping.
Tomorrow morning, around 8:45 AM, I will be dragged to church and probably have to sit on the front row... It shouldn't be too bad, it is a "Special Christmas Meeting." We'll see about that. My big thing is just that, I never go, so everyone will be asking me about my life... Which, if I wanted them to know, I would volunteer that information, don't you think? Or, I guess, I would direct them to read this blog. Even here, though, it is hard to write it all down. I like to remain a mystery in some ways! 
I'm rambling.
Think of sugar plums, candy canes, hooves on the rooftops... Chestnuts... All that jazz.
Good night all.

~miss Rae

Thursday, December 22, 2011

geeking out!

Hello, World! It is almost 2 in the morning and I cannot calm down. It may or may not have something to do with the frozen coffee I drank at midnight... But who really knows? Not me. Anyway, I am, as my title states, geeking out! 

Well, what in the world does that even mean, miss Rae?

I'll tell you. It means that I can't stop obsessing/ thinking/ researching over a job that I may or may not even get! It is called, working at a summer camp that is across the country this summer! My best friend worked there as a camp counselor this past summer and loved it! So what did I do? I applied too. Not only did I apply to be a camp counselor, but also as a dance instructor and an art instructor. I think it would be really great if I could teach while I am there. Not only would I make more money as an art or dance instructor, but I would also get to work on developing my talents and watching kids get inspired. Which, I think would be amazing to witness.

Cross your fingers that I will get this job! It would be an incredible experience!


~miss Rae 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

dads and daughters

READ THIS-->  50 Rules for Dads of Daughters <--READ THIS

I just read this blog and it brought tears to my eyes for a couple reasons.
A- Because it is a beautiful list and I hope that one day the father of my children will do it like this.

B- Because my own daddy did a few of these things... Some big ones, he did not. We still have troubles understanding one another a lot of the time.
Number 18 tugs at my heart string the hardest. 

"18. Tell her she’s beautiful. Say it over and over again. Someday an animated movie or “beauty” magazine will try to convince her otherwise."

I don't remember my dad ever telling me I was beautiful. I heard mostly the opposite from him. He always was telling me that I needed to loose weight. Even when I was in elementary school. I have spent a lot of money and countless years worth of time trying to please him. Trying to look beautiful enough for Daddy. I have starved myself, purged, joined all of the weight loss programs, bought all of the supplies, done all of the things that they tell you to do and not to do... One day, he'll say, "Wow, Joz! You look beautiful!" He'll say that word. That day, I will believe it.

"...All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren't." ~Marilyn Monroe

Remember this daddy's. The whole list, really. Your girls may act like they don't care what you think or say about or to them, but it is your opinion that is one of the most important to them. What you don't want is for them to really not care. That is a tragedy indeed.

I love my dad. He really is amazing. We've had our ups and downs, but what are fathers for? No one is perfect. Least of all, me.

Be sure to click the link at the top of this page! It really is fantastic. 

*.*Happy Holidays*.*

~miss Rae

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

take a step back

Have you ever been in trouble? Have you ever been so scared about where you are headed that all you can think to do is grip the arm rests, close your eyes, and just take the ride to see what happens? 
      I have.
I am sitting in the presence of two of my best friends in the world. We haven't known each other for very long. In fact, when we all came together and found each other, we were all complete strangers. The crazy thing about life is that the friends you work the hardest for are never around for very long. Best friends somehow just become present. Always. Its a beautifully twisted thing, is it not?
Sometimes its good to get into trouble. It feels dangerous. It is inky. It is exciting. A real thrill. For those of you who do not know, a thrill is one of the most liberating feelings a person can experience. Although, thrills come in all shapes and sizes. For some, a walk to the mail box does it. it happens. For others a crazy, loop filled, make-you-scream roller coaster is what gets them going. That's just it, though, right?
Whatever gets you going.
I have found that living on the edge is a scenic way to go. You can see where you are going, no buildings to block your view. You can see the sky above, earth and air split below, you have options to the left and endless, incredible, unexplored adventure to the right. In my case at least. My edge, I imagine, finds me with my right to the outside. It protects my heart from unexpected blows from what the ever-changing edge brings. A pattern in my life. Always trying to protect that crazy, taped up heart. 
The thing about messing with trouble is eventually it catches up to you. Eventually, you get caught. At least a little bit. A little bit you say? Well, kids, there is always a bright side if you look for one. There has to be. It's the rules! You know, if there is good, there is bad. If there is God, there is Satan. If there is Sun, there is Rain. Rich and poor. Cold and hot. You get it. moving on. Needless to say, lemonade is one of my favorite drinks. Which is appropriately convenient for a girl who gets handed a lot of lemons.
Speaking of lemons, ALLEGEDLY, chocolate cake shots are a mighty fine idea. According to a panel of responsible adults ages 21 and up, of course. How do you do it right? ALLEGEDLY, you take a small slice of lemon and put some sugar on it. Set that aside. Then, get some SKYY vodka... (well I suppose any vodka would do. what do I know?) mix it with the chocolate liquore. Frangelica, I believe.  A little bit goes a long way. pour both of those into a shot class. Now you are ready for a treat! Take the previously sugared lemon wedge and bite it :) don't be scared, just do it. THEN! QUICK! Take the shot. And voi la! Liquid cake that eventually makes you drunk. Now, take a breather, and repeat until desired results are obtained. It really is quite tastey... ALLEGEDLY! 
I guess I got a little distracted.
Sometimes, great minds think alike. Like tonight, when my friends and I were writing back and forth to each other on none other than, you guessed it, facebook. Things were getting a little bit poetic and a lot a bit deep. It was kind of therapeutic and pretty impressive. Take a gander. 

We are going to be famous. 
We'll start with Blue. I call him lil' bro Blue.
"you say dueces, i say triplets. they niplets, they cold. we bold. i said it one time, i'll do it thrice times. cuzz we ain't scared, we impared, ballin in the beach sand, ohh no, here comes the rain, man. we stand still cause he know the deal. yeahh, he'll try to drill, but we all know it's juss for the thrill. now we behind the wheel, drivers seat in this snitch. were sewer rich, were ballin so throw me the pitch, take the bat to the ball, down the hall, it's rainin, we dancin, they prancin, cause they know we ain't romancin. i feel like shakespeare, writin these lyrics here, but we ball hard, cause nobody comes near." ~Dakota Blue
Followed by me. They call me Juicy J...
"when your dancing in a rain, the pain isn't the same. it gets a little numb, put your index to your thumb and riide it low and slow. 'head down, knees closed, eyes forward.' its all in the life. all in the movement. in every breath of air i find something else. not just life but a song. clearin that. drawing circles that turn into eyes. staring right through this skin. wearing a mask with a smile so big. its hiding all those secrets. you can't take it. you couldn't even pretend. because all those people who smile back are just players in this game." ~Josie Rae
and then Charzard said...
"Damnnn you guys just shit on me double! How they gonna play us like this? The devil lurks around lunch time tomorrow and angels will fall from the sky. Were pushing our limits and reaching out for help but with no where to turn, were lost in the path of the least resistance and selling our souls cheap. Were not trying to go to the dark side but sometimes you do what you do. Its slamming hard tomorrow and maybe for the next few weeks, we have to prepare. NOW. Before we are completely taken over by the fame, money and power. In the end you have to love yourself, and like you for you. Otherwise you will never come back to planet earth and hopefully your soul will find the right direction. For now the willows haunt the future and the brook will be crumbling down into a never ending spiral. We can do it, we just have to believe in ourselves" ~Charlie Patrick

words have billions of meanings.

ME:lovin on this photograph lil bro blue 
BLUE:you know im your big bro blue, lookin out for the rain, mayne, cause we know it's in our brain. So tell me juicy, why are we so flyy, in the freezing cold. oh yeahhh, I forgot...we bold.
ME: don't trip blue. your my big lil B. you gots the heights, i gots the wise. this is my demise. my honor. with us it's never borin. we'll be sellin it in the mornin.
BLUE:comin up from the gutters, one o'clock rolls around, close all the shutters. it's goin down, whether you like it or not, you better replace that frown. I'm your big lil B, it'll never be juss a story, it'll ride dirty, right next to you like it's 3:30. you feel me juicy? and i meant A.M. it's gonna haunt, and it's gonna taunt. But we'll look back with a smile, even when were all old and scenile. most people become dried up like a lake, a prune, but we'll be in the sand doons, maybe in the jungle, baboons. These rhymes are no mistake, at one point it was a heartache. breathe, take it in, soak it up, let the heat drain all sin. Under the wings of this pheonix, birds, their watchin. soaring in the skyy, but riddle me this one thing cause i really wanna know why. I poor it out, take it in but in the end it always seems to win. down the drains, it IS in my brain. the nucleus, alpha, up the tubes to the sky, and ill make it rain on em, to the brain... and then you can take this riddle, but it might become brittle. trust, it's built into the game and if your tryin to say sain, best get used to the rain.
ME:  baboons lil' B? you are monkeying my mind. they say get to your grind. but my grinds been grinding me! what more can i do? what more can i say? to make all of everyone's hurt melt away... i don't know the answer to that one B. But I guess i'm about to find out. you'll see.
BLUE:In the future juicy, we'll see. it'll come down like poseidon in the middle of the ocean, poring rain, we'll all be dancing on titanic, so don't freight, there's no need to paniccc. :)
ME:  good deal.. and our words, the ones by lil B and Juicy? boy they are ill. soon our minds will be free as the sea.
Well I guess I lost focus on exactly what I began to write about, today. But maybe the moral is this: No matter how bad things get, they can always get much worse... Just kidding. Like, that is true, but eventually things will get better. Someone, somewhere will pull through and be able to show you an option that you didn't even know you had. A way out. A get out of hell free card. 
~miss Rae

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Who are your true friends?

Sometimes, you have a lot of friends in high school.

Sometimes, you keep them close after that bitter-sweet graduation ceremony.

Sometimes, you go to college.

And you make friends who will be there forever.

Friends who will be a part of your most special moments.

Sometimes, your best friend isn't the same age as you are...

Sometimes, your friends have your back no matter what.

<3 those friends make life worth it.

Sometimes, best friends have to go away for a while.

But they are always close to your heart.

I love my friends.
I consider them part of my family.
My family is my life.

What makes a best friend?
How do you know who will be there?

Who knows.

~miss Rae

Sunday, November 27, 2011

out of my mind.

No matter how much I want it or how bad I try, I can't seem to get you out of my mind. Last night I had a dream. Just a little blip, I guess. Just a thought. You said hello to me. It was a dream though.
I hate you for what you did to me. I hate you for the things you said. I hate that I always felt guilty.
I hate that your kisses still haunt me. That I still crave the way you looked into my eyes. You loved me. You did. I loved you too. Sometimes love is just a beautiful idea. It stirs up all kinds of emotions. The kind that haunt your love and make it shaky. We weren't ready to find each other. Or else, baby, things wouldn't be this way. We would still be wrapped up in each other's arms and making sparkly plans to be together forever. It could have been US. We just weren't ready. I don't care how much you put this on me. In a way, you are probably right. I couldn't deal with all the bullshit. I have enough of my own...
Don't get me wrong, even with all of these feelings, I cannot stand the thought of us getting back together. Not after what has happened, no. That thought makes me feel uneasy. I can't help but think about the good times even when they are tainted with harsh words and horrible actions. My mind can't stop wandering to the memories. The taste of your lips on mine. The sound of your voice whispering in my ear. The almost perfect feeling of you wrapping your arms around me... Just almost perfect. There was always a little something. Something standing in between us. Something neither of us could talk about.
I'm out of my mind, but you are stuck inside. Please, get out.

~miss Rae

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I love it...

Sitting here in the middle of the night, I have come to the conclusion that...
it is a time for some serious reflection!
So many thoughts are racing around my head. Thoughts that are scary, thoughts that are sad, thoughts that are happy, thoughts that excite me... you get it. Lot's of thoughts. 
I think I need to focus on positive things. Things that I love and will always be in my memory scrapbook...
I love it...
When family is all you have
and it's okay, because they just get it.
I love it...
When "girl time" means "facial time"
I love it...
When being bored in college is okay
because you find ways to entertain yourself.
I love it...
When you know the party is a success,
because the birthday boy is passed out
exactly where he landed.
I love it...
When you get to kiss on a Ferris wheel.
I love it...
When you get invited to go on adventures with friends.
 I love it...
When people take kissing photos
that make other people feel weird.
I love it...
When baby gets to drive.
 and I even love it...
When you look out your window and find
a pick-up truck full of sheep.

I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot of priceless memories. I could go on forever, adding photos to this list. I love life, I know that one day everything will be sweet again. For now, I guess I'll save my tears. I have used quite enough.

~miss Rae

Monday, October 31, 2011


The ride is over. Please get off.
I don't know what to do.
I wanted so badly for everything to be okay for just a minute. Is that too much to ask? Yes. 
I gave love a chance. It was amazing until it hurt.
Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much you love something. It doesn't matter how much work you put forth, or how much you sacrifice... Sometimes when all you want is to be happy forever, forever says "SCREW YOU! I don't care how much you love him. I don't care how much it hurts. You aren't getting it. End of discussion." 
Sometimes, you have to take care of yourself. You can't take care of another person if you can't even take care of yourself. It's hard to lift yourself up when at the same time, everything else is trying to pull you under. It's exhausting. I am exhausted.
I am mad.
I am sad. 
I am confused. 
I am awake.
Can I go back to sleep now?

Friday, October 28, 2011

She lives again!

Hello world. I'm back.
I left here for a bit, mostly because I started school and got out of the habit... But I would just like to say that I have missed you so much! Missed writing, anyway. Not exactly sure if anyone actually reads this.
So right at this moment, I am making brown rice. Hopefully it turns out okay, because if not, this starving college student is going to be a little bit starving-errr!
I'm pretty stoked about this brown rice thing. approximately 26 minutes to go!
So, World, I know how anxious you have been to hear a story. (pretend to be anxious)
Once upon a time, this one girl fell in love with a boy whom we will call Pablo. Yes this is a story about me, and no, the boy's name isn't actually Pablo. But it sounds nice, right?
Well, Pablo was great. and they were happy. Until one day, Pablo messed up. BIG TIME.
But the girl was in love with him. Even though he liked Sci-Fi. Even though he was kind of socially weird. And even though he tended to dig his holes very very deep and was difficult to deal with like a small ginger child who won't stop asking for candy... He loved her. He showed it. Aaaand... He was an amazing kisser.
So she decided to give him one more chance to prove that he can be a man. But she was not going to just dive back into a relationship with him and risk getting re-broken...
As for now, my zebra duct taping skills are fast at work, holding my heart and car window together...
All my love! to You and yours.
~miss Rae

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Which way?

I often think that I know what I'm doing. Mostly because, as a 19 year old girl, I am still legally a teenager and am therefore required to think I know everything. Which obviously, I do.
As the months go, though, I get closer and closer to 20. I think my knowledge is dwindling. I don't know where to go from here.

~miss rae

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"Our time together is just never quite enough..."


Chemotherapy is the treatment of cancer with an antineoplastic drug or with a combination of such drugs into a standardized treatment regimen.

Her treatment has always been something we call "pain management." Complete with all of the usual suspects. Painkillers.
Now things will change. Things could become good, as in better, less pain... or. Things could get worse, aggravated, aggressive.  

Monday, August 1, 2011


I have decided that chains and dental floss are practically the same thing. They are both useful and helpful, yes, but they both can also be quite inconvenient. If one was to be locked up with a chain, I feel that one would feel upset about the situation. Figuratively and physically. A figurative chain, in my opinion is worse than an actual chain. An actual chain is tangible, you can see it, feel it, find it's weak spot and bust free. Figurative chains, or the ones that hold us back in our imaginations, are not quite as easy to become free from. Sometimes they aren't chains at all, we just think they are because being stubborn human beings, we tend to run away with our emotions before truly analyzing situations, causing us to appear pig headed and all manner of other rude names. All of which are very accurate descriptions, I'm afraid.
So where am I going with all this? I find myself in a pickle. I want to just GO GO GO! But there are so many things telling me, "uh, no." Rude. For example, I want my car to not be a piece of junk and start when I want it to. I want it fixed. Alas, I have no money. Therefore, Dot (my car) sits, mocking me on the curb. I want to go to school without having to worry about all the debt I am going to be in when I am all done. I want to run away to California and build a life with the man I love. I want to stay here at home and help my mom as much as I can. But I hate home. LOVE pieces of home. It is just really hard to come back home after being on my own for a year... You understand, right? Am I a terrible person? I think not. A little bit of freedom and adult-ness, please? Is that too much to ask?? ........ yes? awesome.
So where does the dental floss come in? Dental floss is amazing for your teeth. It feels great and makes your smile great, too. Heaven forbid if you don't floss every day, the dentist KNOWS! I feel it is my duty to tell the dentist the truth always. I always feel like I am unworthy of my teeth when I leave the dentist office.
Dentist: How often do you floss Miss Leavitt?
Me: At least every year when I come and see you.
Dentist: How is school going?
Me: (trying to speak but his fingers are in my mouth...)
Dentists would make awesome spies. They have the ability to ask any question and their patients physically can't say anything, but their salivary glands go nuts, revealing the truth every time...
Anyway, dental floss is like a chain because A. It is rope like. B. It can be used as a trap. and C. It can strengthen your teeth like a chain can strengthen... snow tires?

That is all.

~miss Rae

Saturday, July 23, 2011

day dreams & iced tea at the wee times.

I am sitting here, in my room.
Pictures are diddling in and out, across and through my mind.
Things that have never happened.
Day dreams, of sorts.
I'm day dreaming in the middle of the night.

I am standing still on square one, a freshly chalked, giant hop scotch. This is just the beginning of the game. It's going to be tricky. The goal is to finish without falling, to aim for the best and make it there. "There," at this point, has its options. "There" is with him. "There" is successful. "There" is happy. "There" may be closer than I thought.
Along the way, Mother is going to start Chemo. I won't cast my stone too far just yet. I need to take this game slowly. Mom needs my help.
School is going to require some attention. To be successful, this is a necessary requirement.
Day dream: crushed.

I am day dreaming in the middle of the night.
I am sitting at a table, in a little kitchen nook. I am drinking fresh brewed coffee and working on writing a book. I am wearing giant fuzzy slippers, my hair is wild, and I am wearing an over sized shirt. You walk in with that smile, that smile that makes me think that I can write poetry. Poetry that will be quoted and read by college professors one day. That smile says, in a thousand ways, "I love you." It renders me speechless. The only way I can reply is with  sweet kisses.
I can't wait.

I am day dreaming in the middle of the night. Iced tea and thoughts of the happy and sad things.
Day dreaming, wishing, goodnight.

~miss Rae

Thursday, July 14, 2011

guess what...

I am in love.

He is called William.

I just call him Boyfriend.

And he calls me Baby. 

But my favorite is when he calls me Love.

Because that is what we have.

It happened.

~miss Rae

Sunday, June 26, 2011

It hurts.

Today I found out that one of my dearest friends committed suicide. We danced together in high school, along with just being really great friends. So many happy memories. I will love you forever.
Also today, my Grandpa, Denis Johnson, passed away. He has been sick for quite some time. My grandmother called everyone to tell us that if we wanted one last goodbye, today was the day. So we went to Springdale. 
At around 6 PM, he went home.
I know that he is no longer in pain. He is now where he has been wanting to go. I know he will watch over the family and everyone he ever met. Most of all, I know he will be there waiting for my mom when it is her turn.
Today has truly been the worst day of my life so far. I feel heartache for Ahia's family. I feel sad for my own family. 
But they are home. No longer hurting. Happy.
It hurts. It hurts really really bad.
Grandpa and Grandma. 50th wedding anniversary cruise.

Denis & Pearl and their beautiful family.
Stan, Denise, Annette, Grandma, Grandpa, Marie (my mom), Lynnett, Joe
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
-Sarah McLachlan

Ahia Nkwocha <3
~miss Rae

friends forever and ever.

Ahia, Josie, McKayla
Life offers a great deal of things. Hardships, trials, love, hate, suffering, good, bad... but one of the greatest things that I have found in this life, so far, is friendship.
It is a lucky thing to find true friends. People you can tell your whole life to, who you can trust, who gets all your jokes because they happened when you were together... Friends are just brothers and sisters who didn't get into your family, but without them, you couldn't get through this life.
Sometimes, we don't realize what a big difference one friend has made in our lives until we are forced to think about it. Sometimes, it is too late to call them and tell them how much you love and appreciate them.
I think they know, though.
I think that now my friend is so unbelievably happy!
I hope you know how much you will be missed, baby girl. I hope you know how much I love you and always ALWAYS will.
Say hello to Salyce for me.
Endless love and hugs forever,
~ Josie Rae

Friday, June 24, 2011

possibly a little much

Something has happened, World. I'm not quite sure as to what exactly the something is, nor do I know where it will lead, how things will go from here, or what to do in order to figure it all out. What I do know is that I feel happy. I feel beautiful. I feel truly special! Which, for those of you who don't know me, all of these feelings are pretty rare for me.
Part of me feels the need to run. Just ignore it all, run for the hills, and forever be my cynical self... alone. Alone, sure, but safe. Safe from setting my heart and mind on a notion, and being disappointed. Safe from being fooled, again. Safe from the hurt. Safe from feelings. Safe from... life? Now that doesn't sound fun at all!
Where is the adventure? What happened to courage, thick skin, strength!? It just got lost, that's all.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to try to be happy. I don't care how hasty, how idiotic, how frightening I may trick my mind into believing.
I deserve to feel beautiful, right? I deserve this. THIS! This is going to be fun.
It all began with a boy, only he told me, "I am not a boy, I'm a man!" Hallelujah a real live man! I normally am not the kind of girl who appreciates "cutsie things." Being showered with compliments, believing it when they say I look pretty... I don't fall for it, is how i like to see it... For some reason, I don't mind it at all when he says it, though. In fact, I believe him.
It is extremely difficult for me to open up to someone. Sure, I can tell stories, experiences that I have gone through and overcome, but only because maybe it will help whoever can hear. Letting people get to me on an emotional level is so unbelievably challenging for me. Due to things in my life, I have trained myself to be this way. As I have mentioned before, physical, not emotional.
I explained to someone once that the way I see it is, "in my heart there is only so much room. In my heart is my family and not much else. They have the ability to affect me on an emotional level. That same heart is already broken, taped together, and closed. There is no room right now because I don't know if I can take another breaking anytime soon..." I do know, however, that I was wrong when I told that someone that there is no room in my heart. I was wrong because that someone made room. Made room, made me feel, made me love? And then broke me from the inside out. Good thing I set my mind up for such an occasion. I am still healing. Taping it all back together.
Love is a twisted thing. It will spit on you, tease you, and pick you very last. But at nighttime, when all seems lost, Love will kiss you softly into sweet dreams of better things. Whether that love comes from a special someone, a family member, a memory, or a stranger's smile encored to that great stage in the mind. Love will kiss it all better.
It can fix this broken heart of mine. Even the simplest bit of love. It can mend me.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, next week, or on the 5th of July. What I know is that something inside of me is burning. That something is a bit of happiness. I can see it in my eyes when I get ready in the morning. I am ready for anything. I am ready to try and I am ready to cry. Isn't that the key? To expect to unexpected. Carpe diem. Live and let live. Let it be.
I cannot be certain where my life is going. Right now, in this moment, at 2:20 AM on June 24, 2011, I, Josie Rae, am happy. And that, my friends, is a big deal. I will remember it forever as a good minute.

~miss Rae

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

You annoy me.

I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going, patient person. I put up with a lot, and I try to keep myself under control. Well, World, I am human. Sometimes, things just really "grind my gears." Sometimes when I drive, I get very annoyed. Sometimes when I am walking through Walmart, I see people who are, lets just say bulging and flopping out of their shorti shorts and spaghetti straps, and that annoys me too. Sometimes I see Crocs (you know, the plastic shoes.)  They are disgustingly hideous, and just the thought of them annoys me...
people who drive slow in the fast lane? you annoy me.
You know when you are in a hurry, or maybe you just want to go the speed limit at least, and some quack who doesn't know what they are doing clogs up the road by driving as slowly as possible in the fast lane? Doesn't anyone know the rules? Does this bother only me? When I want to go slow, I get in the right lane so people can pass me if they want to. It's called being a good and considerate driver, folks. Get with the program.
fingernail polish on my fingernails.
I love it when other ladies have their "nails did," polish on my nails, though, is quite annoying. I just pick at them. They are distracting. That is all.

Right now, it is annoying to me that I don't know what to write about. Although, that is not entirely true. I know exactly what I want to write about, but it will wait until later. I need to sort it all out in my head.

~miss Rae

Sunday, June 19, 2011

dear daddy,

It's Father's Day, again. This time, we get along.  I have always been a "daddy's girl," always wanting to do the camping thing, make you proud, I have taken after you in so many ways. We are two opposite souls, Dad. This meant war for a while there. I'm so happy that you either see or are pretending to see where I'm coming from, as I have always tried to see your perspective on things.
I just wanted to take this time out to reflect on the good times we have shared. Moments that don't look so special from an outside view, but that I hold close to my heart always.
Daddy, I remember the first time I saw you really cry. It made me believe that you really were human, and not a feelingless macho man. It meant a lot to me to see you break down for just a second. I know that sounds bad, I don't mean that I want you to be sad, just that it was nice to see a soft side of you. Not trying to be so tough, like we all do, a family trait.
Camping and adventuring are things that you do well. I always love and look forward to hanging out with you outside. We share an appreciation for the simplest of things. Things that other people don't think to notice, beautiful miracles that I cannot imagine leaving unnoticed.
I could go on and on. I just want to say that I am glad that we are friends these days. I know you have been trying really hard, it shows, and it means a lot to me. I'm trying too. I am trying to make you proud.
I love you, Daddy. We are in this together. I think of that photo of you and I, when I was just a baby. We are both asleep, me in my swimmer, tucked in my daddy's arms.
Love, Your Critter Gitter
~miss Rae

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

kid forever

Life: It will spit on you, leave you out, pick you last, punch you in the nose... and then at the end of the day it will softly kiss you into a dream. 
I want to be a kid forever. 
I want my mom's cancer to go away.
I want to make a difference.
I want to fall in love with someone who loves me.
I want to see everything.
I want to be able to take care of myself.
I guess I won't be a kid forever.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

and then her eyes opened a little bit wider.

My mom just passed out from pain shooting in her left neck gland. Good thing I was standing right next to her this time, so she could go down easily, dodging another bruise.

Sometimes I get really scared. I get scared and distracted. I messed up the macaroni.

~ miss Rae

Monday, June 6, 2011

change within, change the world.

"If the thought comes that says you aren't good enough, tell that thought to go to Hell, because that is where it came from!"
That, my friends, is what I learned in church today. HA! A beautiful quote by who knows whom, I should find out. But what does it mean? You know the thought, "Boo! you suck." or, "No, you can't." Like that little engine who could... Sometimes, I want to tell that little engine to shut the hell up. Sometimes it gets to be more than I can bare. Sometimes, it just seems like it would be easier for everyone if I just disappeared. Even for myself. To just escape. I may just do that one of these days, so don't even panic if it happens.
In all honesty though, I feel like no matter what at least ONE person has to care, right? At least one person, or maybe one thing. Maybe, even if you live all alone and have no one, know no one, maybe you still have a pet, or a little house-plant. I bet house-plants care... yeah, I went there.
I always get off track. Back to what I was saying.
We get these thoughts, these thoughts of no worth at all. They tell us that we aren't good enough, not strong enough, not worth anything. These thoughts really are just nasty liars. Who likes a liar? Who listens to a liar? Not me. At least, I try not to. The way I see it is that every person, no matter where they come from, how they are raised, what they believe, is worth everything and deserves nothing but kindness. Do we always get it? Not a chance. That is the crummy thing about it. Of course, in order to receive kindness, love, compassion, etc, we have to give it, or at least try. Which is the tricky part. I am well aware of idiotic freaks who annoy all things good out of me... And I definitely let them know on occasion. It is a problem, the filter system, the nonexistent filtering system in me. A problem, yes, but a doable fix.
What we need to remember, though, is that people are full of surprises. Sometimes not in the good way. Sometimes the ones you held most dear let you fall flat on your face when you had already fallen on your ass. Just remember that it sucks. And it might suck for a while, but you definitely don't deserve it and cannot dwell on it! I don't care what you have or haven't done. Plus, dwelling on unhappy things never helped anyone. Action, action helps. There would still be horrific slavery, people being herded like cattle, people being slaughtered for looking at someone "wrong," smoking in restaurants, no freedoms, civilizations being wiped out, differences being viewed as dangerous insects, had no one THOUGHT to stand up, take action, and make a change.
You can't feel love until you give it. You can't feel happiness until you spread it. The world will not know peace until you share it.
"We must be the change we wish to see in the world." ~ Mahatma Gandhi
Change begins with us. That change happens inside. A change of heart, a change of mind. So tell those thoughts, those nagging, unforgiving, hateful thoughts to "go to Hell, because that is where they came from." And make a change. To someone, even if it is just for you, it will make a mighty difference.

After all, it may change the world. The world could use a little change for the better.

~ miss Rae

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Let me just add...

Okay, I am just going to add to the Bambi thing, here.
I would say that after I say what I want to say, I will be done with this topic, but that is probably not so. Just a warning...
So, bunny bashing... I didn't really get it all out of my system, like I like to do. HAHA
When I speak about this with people, "They" (usually a basher in disguise) will say to me, "Joz, its like pest control, really. There are so many bunnies. Bunny bashing is not a big deal because they would overpopulate otherwise..." This is the idiotic argument presented to me. Really? Well, okay, idiot, let's just pretend for a minute that your rationalization, your excuse for cold blooded behavior makes sense. Let's just pretend that there is no such thing as a natural order of things, no such thing as other creatures like rattlesnakes, coyotes, bob cats, hawks, and other such critter eating beasts here, in Southern Utah, who, coincidentally, enjoy hunting for live bunnies and accomplishing a kill for dinner. Just pretend that you are in charge of another living thing's fate. That it is up to you keep the balance of nature balanced...
This is my reply to you. (You, being the bashing bastards.)
In my opinion, there is an overpopulation of idiots in this world. Idiot people just keep mating like rabbits and create idiot kids who do idiot things. Therefore, it is my duty to do a little "pest control," right? Just bash the idiots over the head. Right after they scream bloody murder, right?
WRONG! Of course it is NOT okay for me to do that, you sick-os!
I hope that puts it into perspective, though... If there truly was a bunny problem. I feel like there would be a job created to take care of it. Heaven knows people need jobs these days. Not just a bunch of juiced up, perverted guys, and their equally nasty girls who are too feather-headed to stand up to those schmucks in fear of not appearing "laid back." Ladies, it's not cute. And if you actually like going on adventures like this, adventures with your boys to go kill furry things instead of going and having some real fun...? Sometimes I like to go on a nice hike, stargazing, out to dinner, maybe go to a shelter and help cute bunnies find homes with my boy... I dunno, that's just me. If those things don't appeal to you, then, I suppose, you are as perverted as the juiced up idiots, only worse. Women are naturally nurturing... You are going against nature. Therefore, you are actually putting on an act. Girls, your act makes you appear to be super easy, extra trashy, and way yummy with those bunny guts on your sneakers. Which I guess that's okay if you are, in fact, all of those things.
Have we become completely desensitized, people? Well, God bless.

And now, for your viewing pleasure... BUNNIES! and other things.

awww! cute! a bunny...

AWW!! CUTE! another bunny...

Aww! not quite as fluffy, but still cute! This a a jack rabbit.
Found in Hurricane, Utah and surrounding areas.
Being bashed.
By idiots.

"Hi! I am a coyote. I like to eat overpopulating bunnies!"

"Hi! I'm a bobcat... I also like to hunt overpopulating bunnies."

"Sup. I'm a hawk. I like to chase bunnies, too."

"Hey, we can't talk because we were violently killed."

Okay. There it is. My shhpeel, my angst, in writing, toward certain bunny bashers whom I have both been acquainted with, invited to go one these adventures with and were furiously turned down, and those I have never met. I'm sorry. I'm super passionate.

~ miss Rae

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

like doe-eyed Bambi...

So today I bawled my eyes out watching Bambi... I was super sick of watching the same little movies with Adelyn, my niece. Lately we have been watching Monster's Inc., Megamind, Tangled, Cars... Don't get me wrong, they are all pretty great movies, but I was not in the mood to watch them for the umteenth time! So I picked one of my favorite childhood movies. Turns out this movie is actually so sad. EVEN MORE SAD THAN I THOUGHT! Not only does poor Bambi's momma die in a tragic hunting scenario, but those bastard murderous freaks also shoot at anything that moves throughout the whole movie! I'm super against hunting in the first place... I personally think it is sick and wrong that people get their jollies out of killing poor animals. It's one thing if you live out in the boonies and to hunt is to survive, keep you warm at night. Nah, no problem with hunting the big guy for nourishment. But can I just say something? Okay, here I go.
If you go out shooting, bashing, whatever, for fun, shooting birds, little creatures, etc, because its (and I am using this word again,) because it is fun, YOU HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM AND ARE GOING TO BE A SERIAL KILLER FREAK WHEN YOU GROW UP! that is all. In fact, on a side note, I once had a crush on this boy when I was in high school, and then I found out that he goes "bunny bashing" with his bastard friends. CRUSH OVER! That is so disgusting. For those of you who don't know, bunnies actually scream, they SCREAM, and cry and you can hear them right before they get "bashed" with the golf club, or bat, or whatever other sick instrument is being used. This is what gets these losers excited? Wow, you are sexy...? Not. So repulsive. Have fun being in an abusive relationship with those "hotties," ladies.
In Bambi stupid hunters not only shoot at everything, but they have like a thousand nasty dogs that supposedly hunt for the hunter, taking down the beast and hurting it before the guy can show up and kill it, leave their camp fire unattended and burn down the forest!? What is that?! Poor Bambi gets shot. GETS SHOT and is laying there for quite a while... and this is where I got really upset... no hunter ever shows up to put him out of his misery, strap him to the hood of his jeep, NOTHING! So Bambi survives, which is happy. He fathers some twin fawns with his foxy doe eyed girlfriend, Faline.
All is well that ends well? Well, all of those little animals still had to completely relocate from their woodland home to keep from getting murdered or fried crispy. So sad.

While I am on my tree hugging rant and movie representation of such things, I recommend Ferngully. When I was little, this movie was literally one of my favorites. I just liked all the little fairies! I had no idea it was a complete hippy go free free, let's save the rain forest movie! Anyway, it really is a good movie. It also shows how man has taken over what we were put on this earth to "coexist" with. In peace and harmony, unit and be one with the earth. Not bend it over and make it be what we want it to be...

And that is all I have to say about that, I think. Now, go plant a tree or pick up some garbage... Recycle that water bottle, dude.

~miss Rae