technology

I hate you.
You make me feel a fruster brewing in my stomach.
Power, not even scratching the surface.
You make me sick.

Not even worth a phone call.
What's wrong with that?
I'm a contradiction.
Here it is.

Here I sit.
Pasting my soul on a virtual piece of paper.
What did I do wrong?
How could you do this to me again?

Break my heart once, shame on you.
But break it twice? ... Shame on me.

Glad you learned how to text.

:) I hope you have fun in vegas.

the good old days

Back in the day, life was so simple. 

               Let's take a walk.

I went to Bruner Elementary School. Located in North Las Vegas, around the corner from Cheyenne High School, if you know where that is. Going to school was always fun and recess was never long enough. We would play Red-Rover until we got busted by a teacher because some dumb kid always got hurt. I played double dutch, which automatically made me cool. I was a Peer Mediator... and then one day I had to be "mediated." The girl deserved it, I swear.

In fourth grade, my teacher was Mrs. Bromley-Norwood. When I was in her class, it was her first year teaching in Las Vegas. She was fresh out of New York, and she never let us forget it. She tried to tell us that we said "Nevada" wrong... She pronounced it like (Ne-vod-a)... She was wrong. That was the year the Twin Towers went down. I will never forget that day. No recess. And we watched the news all day. I don't remember Mrs. Bromley Norwood speaking a single word. She drove straight to New York the next day. We had substitutes for two weeks and every single one of them was mean.

Back in the day, to be a big fifth grader was to be school royalty. People just did things for you. You were respected. Especially if you were in Mrs. Herold's class. She was my teacher. And she was the absolute best. I don't know where she is, these days. I wish I did, so she could see the woman I have become. I learned so much from her. 

it's been a minute...

It has been a minute since my thoughts last rested here. Life is finally showing some promise! I am transferring within my job to another location, getting out of this two step town. I'm getting my life in order, with a man to kiss me at my side. It's comforting, you know? To have a person there to catch you if you fall... Kind of like the game called "trust", I hope he'll stay behind me. It's a love thing.
I need some assistance, I'm taking a few leaps. I've entered the Mary Kay business and plan on being amazing at it! That is the plan.
I'm ready! Ready for this chapter. For the past little bit, my bipolar mind has been so restless. So emotional. So in need of something more. Well kids, grown ups make things happen. You can't just wait for someone to grab your hand and tell you that you could be more than you are. At this point, I am the grown up. And now all of the big hands have let me go. That is what they do. They let you go and expect your mature wings to take flight and travel across new horizons, see incredible things, and make something of what they gave you. It's my time to fly.
This week will be an adventure in itself. One little event and my life with be utterly changed. I could not be more excited!

thanks for listening.

And so it is...
~miss Rae

Most Best

a list:

• black and white movies
• puppies
• rainy days
• hookah
• when the power goes out for hours so all you do is have conversation and play games by candlelight (some of my greatest childhood memories.)
• kissing
• loosing track of time
• swimming in the ocean
• having to put the book down for a sec because it made you cry
• skinny dipping
• listening to simon and garfunkel with dad
• car rides
• chick flicks
• pay checks
• mexican food
• blasting the classic rock station on the freeway
• windows down weather
• beaches
• spontaneous picnics 
• playing at the river
• sunscreen
• smoothies
• floppy beanies
• sleepovers
• ice cold lemonade
• summer nights
• stargazing
• finding a train
• planning vacations to incredible places
• being loved
• new panties
• good night and good morning texts
• furniture stores
• hippies
• rosemary
• kittens
• antique stores
• foreigners
• zion
• home
• nieces
• the perfect outfit
• tattoos
• best homies
• cody
• charlie
• jesse
• castin
• miranda
• karly
• amanda
• jessica
• duckii
• haley
• cousins
• shad
• laura
• stephanie
• amber
• joey
• jordan
• wild flowers
• bumping in to old friends
• writing
• painting
• singing at the tops of your voices
• water
• nicki minaj
• sun glasses
• vacations
• shopping
• old photos
• elderly people telling stories of their lives
• carrot cake
• house hunting
• planting flowers and trees
• horse back riding
• plane rides
• the lake
• new shoes
• wiz khalifa
• hawaii
• piano music
• frank Sinatra
• sleep
• winky faces
• all nighters
• a full tank of gas
• days off
• iced tea
• sex and the city
• sun tans
• the breakfast club
• people who are gay and loud, and proud of it
• being more than what meets the eye
• parties
• when it rains while the sun is shining
• sex
• breakfast for dinner
• little shops
• waterfalls
• baby animals
• museums
• old photos
• saying exactly what's on your mind
• fishing
• angel's landing for the day
• flying
• cliff jumping
• old friends
• coffee dates
• celery
• new shoes
• when my boobs are doing good things
• dancing
• trying something new
• celine dion
• nail pollish
• bubble baths
• dandelions
• balloons
• the Spice Girls
• camp fires
• horses
• a new pet fish
• flushing new pet fish a few hours- a day after purchase 
• the 4th of July
• family dinners
• Blueberry Hill (on Decatur in Vegas)
• living the HI life for a bit

That's all for now, folks

~miss Rae

a true definition

What is love? 

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being 'in love' which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what's leftover when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. It's when your roots grow toward each other.. And when all the pretty blossoms have fallen off your branches you find that you are one tree and not two. 

one love

And so it is... 
~miss Rae

a secret you get to know

Here is a secret that I have to tell. I don't have any secrets. Ask me to keep one? I promise, I won't. Every secret, mine or yours, will cross my lips. No lie, it is bound to happen. I cannot keep a secret because secrets clutter up my mind. They make me anxious. I start to sweat. I can't concentrate. I can't relax. I obsess over them, want to write about them... Bad news. Before you start to worry, don't, because there is a secret to my secret sharing. When I promise not to tell a soul, I mean it. I am a good person, so have no fear.

My room knows all of my secrets. It knows all of yours too. Because I whisper all of them out loud at night, before I close my eyes.. Its almost like a confession, because once I'm through, I feel that peace thing. That's a good sign, right? 

And the best news of all is that walls don't talk... So your secret is safe with me- and no one gets their weave yanked out. 

Everyone wins.

And so it is.

Thanks for listening...

~miss Rae 

Day numero Uno!

It's mid-morning, day 1 of the rest of my life. Am I excited? HELL yess. Is it about time? WAYYY past time. But have I finally found the secret and doing something about it now? Better effing believe it, folks.

Now you might be asking yourself... "What in tarnation is this wacky chick talking about?!" 

Well, my dear friends, you shall know soon enough. In fact The results will explain themselves and the only question you will then have for me is "What are you doing, and how can I do it too?!" Are you stoked? Are you just so excited for that day? Me too. It's much sooner than you would think.

Stay tuned!

And now, for your viewing (Not so Pleasurable...) A "before" Picture. I am documenting this one-HUNDO percent! Thank you for taking this journey with me. Laugh and mock at these photos all you want :) I already am! We are kissing this nasty body goodbye, and kicking it's fat ass. Le'go.

gross.

what a fatty

back boobies. sick.

MUCH LOVE!!! and so it is...

~miss Rae

Let That Be Enough

-Switchfoot

Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

...

These lyrics are me in a nutshell, lately. "Let me know that you hear me. Let me know your touch. Let me know that you love me. And let that be enough." That is truly all I need... 

And so it is.

~miss Rae

hookah and hula-hoops.

It's Monday night, and the apartment is a party,
                                                                   as usual.

                                  It's chill.

Sometimes, I find myself in the happiest of companies and in the sweetest situations.
                                                             The only problem is...
                                                                                    I can't help
                                                                                                 but feel
                                                                                                       SAD.
                                                                                                  alone.
                                                                                                      crazy.
                                                                                                    emotional.
                                                                                                                   blahhh.
                                        Sometimes, I just get really sad and I don't understand why.
                                                                                                             I just don't understand.

My family thinks it is because I "left the church" but I'm afraid it is not that simple... In fact, it was much worse when I pretended to love the thing my family loved so much. I really tried so hard to be everything they wanted me to be. I never wanted to be a disappointment. I guess it came down to a decision. A decision of my happiness and theirs... I suppose I got a little selfish.

I could scream, but it would wake the neighbors.

I could literally puke from this taste in my mouth. What a terrible fool I have been. A terrible, gullible, love hungry fool. I'm done. I am done, done, DONE with all of the bullshit. I am done with all of the assholes. I am done with all of the freaking OVER-GROWN BOYS who think its cute to turn on the charm, dangle it in front of you, and whisper words like "you're beautiful." words like "I love you." And worst of all, when there are no words, just gasps for breath, groans, moans, screams, kisses, pure laughter... This is not just the sounds of sex, people. These are sweet sounds that can only be heard when you really feel it... When you actually FEEL that love thing. That stupid fucking love thing.
...What a joke.
I am laughing hysterically.
My favorite part is when they don't have the balls to tell you to your face. When they have the balls to say "I love you, sweetheart" when you are there beside them and then... "oh wait, just kidding" on the phone. A man would tell me I wasn't good enough to my face. Even I have had the decency to do that in the past. I promise, you don't even have to sugar coat it. I pinky fucking swear! Just sit me down and say it like this; boys, grab a pen and paper. Girls too! Write this down. I mean it! Take this opportunity. I'm basically writing your "We are breaking up" script.
Quick. Efficient. To the point. My father would like this method, I imagine.

Listen     (name goes here)   . Here's the thing.  You are actually not quite as great as I thought you were, and things are just not working out the way I thought they would. We're done, sweetheart... Quicky before you go?

BAM! done. easy... I added that last part as a favor because I feel like it would make it easier to walk away from while feeling awesome about yourself.

Another thing I love is when people pull the friend card. It goes something like this... "You know, I don't want to be with you, but we should totally be friends and hang out. Because that won't be weird at all ever and we totally won't "accidentally" have hot hate sex every time we "hang out."
It is a rare thing, indeed, when the friend plan actually works. In my limited experience, having only a very small handful of actual "relationships," it doesn't work at all. But I guess we have to take into consideration what kinds of boyfriends I have had to deal with...
Option A: ex is a large child who enjoys doing nothing but lay around and whine about his ex girlfriend who is in fact an ugly skeeze, making one feel like maybe the ugly skeeze was right to cheat on him...
Option B:  ex is a rapist psychopath whom one avoids at all costs and would rather walk around with salt in ones eye for the rest of ones life than having to spend one minute speaking with him... Not like one could understand him anyway because he probably heard the english language for the first time about a week and a half before one met him.
Option C: ex is unstable in basically every sense of the word. One is blamed for any and all problems in the relationship and he has no problems at all. One seeks professional help of the psychiatric variety and realizes that one would probably die of suicide if one remained in the relationship any longer... Ex tries to beat one to the point, but fails, and one figures that she is not the only one feeling suicidal.
Or option D: (Which hurts the very worst...) I am still in love with this ex. Maybe it's because he dumped me and I don't know how to deal with that situation. Maybe its because he was so damn sweet about it. He gave me a teddy bear for valentines day, last month. No boy has ever gotten me a teddy bear. Is it bad that I sleep with it still? It keeps the nightmares away... Maybe it just hurts so bad because he pulled the friend card. I want to be friends so bad. He doesn't actually have time to be my friend though. Not anymore. I try not to think about that guy...

He's out there. A man. A man who wants to love me. Forever. A man who is not too busy, or too stressed, or psycho, or self centered. A man who will hold me on nights like these. Nights that I cry. On nights where the world is just a little too much... He will hold me so close. Things like cancer, money, cars that don't work, periods, tumors, weight, and teddy bears won't matter much. Because when he puts his arms around me, everything will become far away. Like that feeling right before you faint. When everything gets muffled and far away... Everything will become perfect. Because even though life isn't perfect and never will be, he will make it feel that way. He will be my perfect and I will be his. We will fit together like the Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley puzzle I just bought.

And so it is.

~miss Rae

3.6.12

The sun is coming up. 

Who sleeps these days?

Just you think about what we would have missed, though.

Just think.

If we went to bed on time, this night would have been normal.

Normal is a boring thing.

Taking walks at 3 AM

Chatting with the cops...

These cops are nosy in this town.

Can't people go for walks without being hassled by the cops?

"I guess I don't blame them for talking to us. Only the tweaks roam the streets right now."

We spill our guts.

Secrets I like to keep inside haunt me in the dark.

They sneak through my lips like naughty children stealing cookies after bedtime.

You are a good listener.

I am sorry for talking so much.

Stop me whenever you want.

Seven-oh-three and we are wide awake.

Its good to do sometimes.

Charlie, your class starts in an hour.

Gossip.

Real talk.

Where are we headed?

A world we can't even imagine.

We are going to be the one's they call great.

They underestimate who we are.

Everything will fall right into place.

We just have to make it that far.

Locked out of the room with the black lights, now off

What a clown that Blue guy is sometimes.

What a dirty door locking clown.

The tissues ran away with the girl trying to catch her nose.

Seven-twelve in the morning

Where did the night time go?

Throats coated

Eyes wide.

What are the rules about yesterday and today

When there is not a wink of sleep to tell?

Does tomorrow come when I wake up?

Or do the clocks have to tell us when and how.

When did we get old...

How did this happen...

The time keeps passing way too quick.

And I'm afraid that happens whether we sleep or not.

And so it is...

~miss Rae  

As you grow up, you will have your heart 

broken more than once and it's harder every 

time. You'll break hearts too, so remember 

how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight 

with your best friend. You'll cry because time 

is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose 

someone you love. So take too many pictures, 

laugh too much and love like you've never 

been hurt. Because every sixty seconds you 

spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll 

never get back. ♥

(I don't know who said this. Do me a solid and find out? I am 


in love with this!)

~miss Rae

to be fit

Hello readers, whoever you are. I'll just come out and say it... I am a chunk! Due to some brain issues, my body is just a retard and doesn't know how to get into shape no matter what I do... Believe me, even at a very young age, I tried all the diets, ran at least a mile a day, played outside all the time, swim team, soccer, dance, weight watchers, atkins, fasting, cleansing, purging, HCG.. You name it. You have no idea how frustrating this is. Especially where I grew up in a family that is all about health and fitness. I, too am very much into eating right and being active. Unfortunately, its not as easy as working out every day and eating right. Of course that would at least make my body as healthy and as strong as it could be. I'm not going to lie, I can do better! So here is my plan, written down and public so I can try harder! A life change. Every woman wants to look her best and I definitely do not. I am not going to let "hyperprolactinemia" (or however it is spelled) be an excuse anymore.

Starting NOW, things are going to be different!

I'm not going to make a list of things I can't have, but rather make a list of things that I can do. It's less depressing that way. So here we go.

• Do something extremely active for at least an hour every day. (if I don't feel like I absolutely need a shower when I'm done, I won't be allowed to be done! Ya dig?)
• Make meals at home that are high in natural goodness. aka live foods. aka organic, things that aren't dead, fresh... i.e. seeds, nuts, fruits, veggies, whole grains, perhaps some fish once a week (gotta have my fish!)

And that is the end of the list! See how easy that is? I guess we will find out.

inspirational photograph.

As always, thanks for reading! And if you have any tips or things that have worked well for you, please share! I can use all the help I can get.

~miss Rae

today is a gift.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that everyday could be the greatest day of my life. Can you imagine how amazing every single day would be if we were able to be our best self every day? I have a lot to work on...

Today I woke up at 7 am. Which is completely weird and out of character for me. I'm sure that I will be falling right back to sleep just as soon as I get a few things off my chest... It's raining outside. I love it so much! I don't care if it's cold, warm, day, or night- rain is always happy in my book. It's a refresh button that works. Today I will not wait all day for that mister to call me like he said he would. Today I will see my friend, whom I like to call Friend. Today I will smile because I NEED to. I need to feel that pain in my cheeks and the ache in my stomach from laughing so hard. I need it.
Later today, I'm going with my mom to the doctor. She finished chemo treatments last month, but has been really sick with a bad flu ever since.. Flues are bad for chemo patients. Cross your pinkies.

And so it is.
~miss Rae

Sometimes, I write poems.

Professionals

by: Josie

The sink is broken.

My window is cracked.

The oil needs changing

and that tire is flat!

So, so much to do

and cannot find the time!

I'm calling in the professionals-

is that such a crime?

This thread just won't stop pulling.

If I cut it, will it stop?

Oh no, they just keep coming

Like a pimple that just won't pop.

There must be a professional.

Someone who knows best.

Isn't there anyone who can help me?

Get me out of this big mess?

Some people call me crazy.

"Shut up!" I tell them, "see?"

But then I look around,

and in the room there's only me...

I think I need a professional.

There are people skilled, I hear.

Somebody better show up-

before I have to shed a tear!

I'm calling all professionals.

ALL of them- 1, 2, 3.

I wish I could write more,

but I'm stuck up in a tree.

Someone has called a professional.

I can tell by the great read truck.

So I must say adios-

'cause they're here and there, helping- me? 

~miss Rae

thoughts in no particular order.

Well, for starters, I have some great news!

I got a JOB!!!!

                                                             All I have to say about this news is... Finally! Right?



old me.



REAL me.



In other news... Life is pretty perfect right now. At least, when I don't think too hard about it. Does that make sense? For example, if I weren't myself and I met myself at work or a party or... whatever, I would think to myself, This girl really has it all together. She is just doing totally great! Get it? Sometimes, it is pretty liberating to think like that. It's like a mini confidence booster. Healthy, too! Everyone should take a good at themselves every once in a while. Do a little evaluating? Ask yourself, "How do I feel about myself and my doings with others?" If that all checks out, then ask yourself this one: "How am I presenting myself to the world?" When that is good too, I feel like I can stand a little taller.

"Fake it until you make it." ~Jody Rich



When I was in high school, I found myself in a pretty dark place. I wasn't doing terrible things, or even bad things, really. In fact, I was trying to be as good as I could. Good enough to meet the approval of others. The only problem with that is, it wasn't ME. I wasn't feeding my own soul because I was too busy trying to bury my feelings, my thoughts, my beliefs... It's really important to be true to yourself. Until I realized that, I was so depressed. One of the worst feelings I have ever felt... Its not how I always imagined it would be when people would talk about it. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel anger... I didn't feel much of anything. It was lonely. I like to feel.



... I solomly swear that what I am about to say is absolute truth. It has taken me an hour and a half to write this far. I keep getting distracted. Dazing off into a world of thoughts, in no particular order. That is the tricky thing about writing. I like to write, so I consider myself a writer of sorts. Well, the mind of a writer, like any artist, travels at about a million miles a minute. I get so many ideas. So many thoughts, stories, pictures I want to paint, words... Endless words. I am lucky if I get all of those things to form a long enough thought to make sense of it all, let alone write it all down.

And so it is.

~miss Rae

Dreams

"When your dreams turn to dust... Vacuum."

I don't know a lot of things, but I do think I know a thing or two about how things ought to be. Maybe it is just how I think things should be... that counts right? Not that my opinions can't be changed, because they change all the time. I like to keep an open mind. If I feel like I am wrong, I research until I find something that feels right. Flexibility. I think that is important. However, maybe I can be right in the first place... right? Maybe my opinion shouldn't have to change. Maybe I am right and you are so wrong! Have you ever thought of that? Maybe I deserve better than what you have to offer... Maybe I deserve to be so happy! Maybe.


Dreams:
I want to be a mommy.
I want to make people feel beautiful.
I want to travel.
I want to marry my prince.
I want to be in love for the rest of my life.
I want to flirt until I can't speak.
I want to be a success story.


Just to name a few...


Sometimes, I have found, what you think could be the rest of your dream, turns out not to be at all what you expected. Sometimes, I hear, this works out. You are proven wrong and you end up being happier than you ever imagined. This is not the same thing as settling, though. Never settle for anything less than you want. You may work up to the things you want, but try not to get stuck. Being stuck is a dangerous trap. It makes people sad and a little bit crazy- not in the good way.


~miss Rae