This is my voice, my story, my opinions, my beliefs...

"If they love your work that is always great. If they despise it, it is also a compliment... At least they felt something! Make them feel it." ~Anna Jorgenson

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

like doe-eyed Bambi...

So today I bawled my eyes out watching Bambi... I was super sick of watching the same little movies with Adelyn, my niece. Lately we have been watching Monster's Inc., Megamind, Tangled, Cars... Don't get me wrong, they are all pretty great movies, but I was not in the mood to watch them for the umteenth time! So I picked one of my favorite childhood movies. Turns out this movie is actually so sad. EVEN MORE SAD THAN I THOUGHT! Not only does poor Bambi's momma die in a tragic hunting scenario, but those bastard murderous freaks also shoot at anything that moves throughout the whole movie! I'm super against hunting in the first place... I personally think it is sick and wrong that people get their jollies out of killing poor animals. It's one thing if you live out in the boonies and to hunt is to survive, keep you warm at night. Nah, no problem with hunting the big guy for nourishment. But can I just say something? Okay, here I go.
If you go out shooting, bashing, whatever, for fun, shooting birds, little creatures, etc, because its (and I am using this word again,) because it is fun, YOU HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM AND ARE GOING TO BE A SERIAL KILLER FREAK WHEN YOU GROW UP! that is all. In fact, on a side note, I once had a crush on this boy when I was in high school, and then I found out that he goes "bunny bashing" with his bastard friends. CRUSH OVER! That is so disgusting. For those of you who don't know, bunnies actually scream, they SCREAM, and cry and you can hear them right before they get "bashed" with the golf club, or bat, or whatever other sick instrument is being used. This is what gets these losers excited? Wow, you are sexy...? Not. So repulsive. Have fun being in an abusive relationship with those "hotties," ladies.
In Bambi stupid hunters not only shoot at everything, but they have like a thousand nasty dogs that supposedly hunt for the hunter, taking down the beast and hurting it before the guy can show up and kill it, leave their camp fire unattended and burn down the forest!? What is that?! Poor Bambi gets shot. GETS SHOT and is laying there for quite a while... and this is where I got really upset... no hunter ever shows up to put him out of his misery, strap him to the hood of his jeep, NOTHING! So Bambi survives, which is happy. He fathers some twin fawns with his foxy doe eyed girlfriend, Faline.
All is well that ends well? Well, all of those little animals still had to completely relocate from their woodland home to keep from getting murdered or fried crispy. So sad.

While I am on my tree hugging rant and movie representation of such things, I recommend Ferngully. When I was little, this movie was literally one of my favorites. I just liked all the little fairies! I had no idea it was a complete hippy go free free, let's save the rain forest movie! Anyway, it really is a good movie. It also shows how man has taken over what we were put on this earth to "coexist" with. In peace and harmony, unit and be one with the earth. Not bend it over and make it be what we want it to be...

And that is all I have to say about that, I think. Now, go plant a tree or pick up some garbage... Recycle that water bottle, dude.

~miss Rae

Monday, May 30, 2011

"You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how!" ~ Gone With the Wind

That's why everyone needs lips so much, for lips are the only things that touch. ~Enchanted
  Can I kiss you? ~Cody
I've waited my whole life to be kissed. ~Little Women 
 Friends are the only thing a girl needs, besides a closet full of clothes and a cute boy to kiss. ~Paris Hilton
 I love the silence, that brief, beautiful silence between every kiss. 
The best kind of kiss is the unexpected, unplanned ones that come naturally. Like, in the middle of a sentence...
A kiss is something you cannot take without giving. 
Shut up and kiss me!
 Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.  ~Albert Einstein
 Is not a kiss the very autograph of love? ~Henry Fink
 Soul meets soul on lover's lips. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley
 Stolen kisses require an accomplice.
  Kisses are a better fate than wisdom ~e.e. cummings. 
Twas not my lips you kissed, but my soul. ~Judy Garland
 A kiss without a hug is a flower without a fragrance. ~Proverb
 Then I did the simplest thing in the world. I leaned down... and kissed him. And the world cracked open. ~Agnes de Mille
 I ran up the door, opened the stairs, said my pajamas and put on my prayers - turned off my bed, tumbled into my light, and all because he kissed me good-night! 
Each kiss, a heart-quake ~Lord Byron
Her lips on his could tell him better than all of her stumbling words. ~Margaret Mitchell
A man's kiss is his signature. ~May West 
Touch not thy lip such scorn, for it was made for kissing, lady, not for such contempt. ~William Shakespeare 
When I kiss you, I can taste your soul. ~Carrie Latet
The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space. ~Marilyn Monroe

So kiss, and be kissed. Marie Leavitt once said, "You can't just pass them out like lollipops." I said to her, "Yes, but everyone needs a little lolly every now and then."
infinite X's and O's,
~ miss Rae                                                                        

Monday, May 23, 2011


" 'I cannot go to school today,'Said little Peggy Ann McKay.'I have the measles and the mumps, A gash, a rash and purple bumps.My mouth is wet, my throat is dry, I'm going blind in my right eye.My tonsils are as big as rocks, I've counted sixteen chicken poxAnd there's one more-that's seventeen, And don't you think my face looks green? My leg is cut-my eyes are blue-It might be instamatic flu.I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke, I'm sure that my left leg is broke-My hip hurts when I move my chin, My belly button's caving in, My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained, My 'pendix pains each time it rains.My nose is cold, my toes are numb.I have a sliver in my thumb.My neck is stiff, my voice is weak, I hardly whisper when I speak.My tongue is filling up my mouth, I think my hair is falling out.My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight, My temperature is one-o-eight.My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear, There is a hole inside my ear.I have a hangnail, and my heart is-what? What's that? What's that you say? You say today is...Saturday? G'bye, I'm going out to play!' "
~Shel Silverstein 

I wish I was faking it. Tonsillitis is like Gorilla Tape. It doesn't mess around! My mom used to read me the Shel Silverstein poem books, A Light in the Attic, Falling Up, Where the Sidewalk Ends... I love his work. His poem, "Sick" was always one of my favorites....

Well, my tonsils are, in fact, as big as rocks, and I need to become horizontal, again, pronto. 

~miss Rae 

Friday, May 20, 2011


You know, I really need to get a hold of this Karma chick, she is really starting to put me through it... What did I ever even do, huh? Clearly, there has been a huge misunderstanding. How about lunch, eh Karma? Do you like lunch? A nice sit down, so I can explain myself.
Can I just get ONE break? Just one.
It all sort of bubbled over today when I didn't get ready or dressed. When I don't get ready, I automatically feel crappy. Hey, I'm a woman, it's natural. I am an emotional wreck. Though, I hear they make pills for that... As if the past few months haven't been outstandingly psychotic enough, and the past couple of days have been tricky as my mom is not doing so well. Now, this evening, when we finally checked the mail, I received a letter from SUU saying that I was not in good standing this semester. That I am, therefore, suspended for the next two semesters... Awesome, SUU. A whole year. Thank you so much for understanding? Not. I am going to be calling them tomorrow to tell them just exactly how I feel and just exactly what I think about the whole thing. NOT TO MENTION, World, I feel a cold coming on.
Just ONE break? Please? 

In other news...
There was a peacock in my backyard the other day... Random for a small city in Southern Utah? I'd say so.
My niece was super cute about it. "Jojo! Look at that peepop!" I guess that solves the "Kevin" mystery. For as long as I have lived in this house, whenever I would go into my backyard, I would hear this crazy loud squawking! I decided it could be a lot of things. Living in a small town, you never know what shenanigans people are in to. If you have ever seen the movie Up, it sounds EXACTLY like that exotic bird, Kevin. Thinking back on it, I cannot believe I never guessed peacock... Except the part about living in Utah... Not exactly our state bird. Pheasants, Eagles, Hawks, sometimes Canadian Geese... But peacocks? Anyway, it was fun, and a lovely surprise visitor while we were eating our PB&J.

I would write more, but this thing is starting to freak out, causing me to freak out... I hope your day is going much better than mine!

~ miss Rae

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Screw me once, shame on you!

Dear State Bank of Southern Utah,
     You suck.
                      Regrettably yours,  
                                     miss Rae

What are the odds that a young college student like me would win a court case against a lousy state bank? Sadly, probably slim. There is no such thing as justice anymore. The big guys always win. I am SICK OF IT!
It all started with one mistake. A mistake made by the bank, mind you. A mistake that I , that's right, I have to pay for? Yep. To the tune of five hundred dollars. I tried being civil. I tried being a smart ass. Both of which were squashed by the big man. Like holy crap, dude, you are a STATE BANK! Not even! Only in the BOTTOM HALF OF THE DAMN STATE!
I have played your little game long enough. It is time for me to stand up for what's right! Nothing about this "mistake" was my fault, nor should a nineteen year old girl who completely relies on the government for her education, have to pay for it! Your piece of crap bank is insured for a reason. So stop. STOP sending me notices. STOP being a greedy little twat and take some responsibility!

I'm angry, World. Seething! This whole "kicking the habit" thing is really not looking so appealing right this second. Like yeah, I know it is horrible, but at a time like this, I promise, it doesn't feel that way. Sorry. Don't worry, I won't give in. I'm just saying...

If you happen to work for this bank, or know someone who does, I am just being honest.

~ miss Rae

Saturday, May 14, 2011

What does that even mean?

an eye for an eye.
An eye for an eye... A tooth for a bloody tooth... As in, if someone crashes their car into mine, it is my right to total their new BMW? I'd say no. People may or may not ever get what they "deserve," if there is such a thing. Who am I to say how a person should or should not be punished? I am nobody.
forgive and forget.
A beautiful thought. But is it realistic? Of course it is in the case of a small argument, or spilled milk. What if, though, it is impossible. I have heard of people who have gone through terrible things. There was a couple who had a small child who was raped and murdered by a disgusting scum of the earth. At a hearing, they told the man that they forgave him! I find even the thought impossible. They may have found forgiveness in their hearts, but I know for a fact they will never forget the man, what he did, who he stole from them...
Sometimes, for me, it is very difficult to forgive the littlest of things. Though, my heart is currently fighting a war within itself. A war between love and forgiveness. I find myself neither able to forgive or forget, but still feel a great deal of love. At least I think it is love. Definitely not lust.
Perhaps it is best not to forget. That is what I have decided. Peace and love! But, we must not ever ever forget. It is our experiences that make us stronger, right?

~ miss Rae

Friday, May 13, 2011

it's Friday, folks.

At this very moment, I am sitting on my mother's bed, (Dad's side,) texting three fun kids, and listening to the sounds of sleep produced deep breathing by miss Adelyn Raelli (RAY-LEE) and my mom, along with Anne of Green Gables on the TV. That movie is so very charming. A garden rake? only 75 cents. 20 pounds of brown sugar? only $1.00... A big deal scholarship that everyone dreams of? Only $250 per year... That would buy what today? Pay for one class? One maybe 2 text books? Oh the simple life... Enough of Anne.

This week has been extremely and overly relaxing. Being back at home is lovely, don't get me wrong, but I feel extremely lazy. The good news is, I'm all caught up on Glee! Though, I am behind on my One Tree Hill... That will be remedied soon, I believe, at the rate I'm going... Unfortunately.

guess what?! I'm going vegan. I'm excited! It's going to be tricky giving up cheese because it is just so tasty, but it is for the best. There is nothing healthy about eating dead food. live, raw plants, grains, nuts, fruit is where it's at!

Friends are the absolute best.  They are full of surprises. Sometimes good ones, and sometimes bad, but always an adventure. The best is when old friends come out of the wood work. I got a letter from a friend just yesterday that made my whole week. *You know who you are, and I will be writing you back asap.
This summer may just be amazing! I definitely have a lot of goals, issues, and things that I am going to be working on. Life changes! Change, my friends, is good.

Now, I need to go make myself a plan for this evening. Have a great night!

~ miss Rae

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A letter to my mother

Dear Mom,
I know that I tell you every day that I love you. Most the time I feel like a show it. I feel so sad when I disappoint you, do something to hurt you, make you cry. I really cannot stand myself in times like those. Right here, I would like to apologize. Apologize for those moments, those days that I didn't call. Those times that I made you cry. Because Momma? I love you. You have always been the one person I knew I could count on. You have always lifted me up when I've fallen, always held me close when I cried, always stood by my side when no one else would. Mom, you are the greatest. You are superwoman! You have so much to carry, so much on your plate, but you still find the time, the energy to make me feel like I am the only person in your life. That my issues are the only things that matter.
I wish I could take back all those things that made you sad. All those things I did that you taught me were so bad. In a way, I don't regret them, because they made me who I am. I just wish I would have thought, thought about my mom at home. You are my rock. My one support. The one whose opinion I care most about.
It's funny how easy it is to hurt the ones we care for the most. Yet we jump through hoops for strangers, step lightly to keep from stepping on their toes.
The other day, before I came home from college, I was hanging out with a friend and her mom in a hot tub. I almost broke into tears watching them talk about the simplest things. Watching her and her mom just hang out like they always have. I missed you so much right then. I thought, in that second, about my life and having you in it. I thought about the time before you got sick, when we would go on bike rides, to the gym, go shopping with the aunts and grandma, run errands, babysit Jolie... When you came to pick me up after my very first day of kindergarten and I ran into your arms... I thought about the day you sat the family down and told us what the doctors said. I thought about then and now, how things have changed as we have gotten older. I think about my friends, how they seem to fight a lot with their moms. They don't understand how very precious their situation is. I hate the thought of fighting with you. Of saying something that might hurt your feelings. I hate the thought of thinking back after you are gone and seeing insignificant fights. I try to make that not be the case. I hope I make you proud, Mom. I hope, even though, I'm not the same girl I used to be, that you still love me just the same. I love you more and more each day.
Mommy, what am I going to do without you?
What am I going to do if you aren't here on the day I fall in love? Or to take me to the bridal store? To meet the man I marry? Or the day I start a family?
I don't know if I am mature enough for this. I'm selfish. I want you to stay. But I told God, back in high school, that I would let him decide. As long as He is there to help me after He takes you home.
I think about these things at night. At night when I'm all alone.
I love you and think about you always.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."  
You used to sing that song to me when I would have bad dreams or get hurt. You sang it to me over the phone while I was away at school, that one night when I was so alone. That night when my heart was broken, more broken then ever before. You were there for me when no one else was or knew how.

Now I feel like I am rambling. But I wanted to wish you a happy mother's day. You truly are incredible. I couldn't have ever asked for a better mom, nor would I wish you any other way.

i love you.
~ miss Rae

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

oh the thoughts at 2:30 AM

      Today was... eventful...
It began with my recently acquired routine of sleeping in until noon. You see, this week is finals week. Thankfully a majority of my finals were taken in class last week. This week, I only have two finals. One on Wednesday and one on Thursday! La-Tee-freakin-Daa! Anyway, I have been sleeping all morning, as I am awake all night. I was woken up (is woken a word?) by Miss Tresa Cory, my personal alarm clock. She informed me that it was a beautiful warm day and that we need to get our tan on. I agreed, rolled out of bed, let some sun shine into my room, and hopped into the shower to wake me up. As a normal college student, I have been driving on empty for about
the past week. Well World? Today was the day. Today, after we "got our tan on," my car ran out of gas. Mind you, and of course, the nearest gas station was in view! Right across the street, in fact. So, picture this, if you will. Two college girls in bikinis and little summer dresses pushing a little beat up car in the dirt. Thank heaven for small hills! We both ran and jumped in. A complete Little Miss Sunshine moment... Too bad there was one large road between us and our goal, the gas station. One large, busy road. World? Things always get busy when you need to get through. Just letting you know so you aren't too terribly surprised when this happens. So, this time, Miss Cory had to jump out and push by herself, I had to stay in and steer. A nice trucker man was nice enough to wait and let us go across instead of making a hasty left turn out of the gas station. He waved and may or may not have whistled... I try not to think too terribly hard about things like that. Anyway, that little adventure began my day. It was fantastic! Oh except that I put a whole 30 bucks in my tank and it only filled it up a little past the half way mark... That USED to fill me up completely. Gas prices these days... Faggots. 
My cleavage is sun burnt. Yay. Every girl's dream.
This Thursday I am to move out of my current dorm room, which became my home. And move back to the family's house for the summer. It is a bitter-sweet feeling, World. I'm super excited to be getting back to sunny southern Utah, but I am sad to be leaving. In the fall we will all come back together, though, hopefully.

Does anyone read this?

I always hear trains at night. I see the tracks during the day, but I followed them once and they led to a dead end.... But I always hear these trains at night. Maybe I followed the wrong tracks.

Well, I have an English final in a few hours. Perhaps I will fall asleep soon. Good night!

~ miss Rae

Sunday, May 1, 2011

a bit of thought

It has occurred to me, World, that perhaps nature, as in the outside world, plants, mountains, desert, etc., really is where it's at!
Well, what is this "it" she is talking about?
When I say "it" I mean all of it. The whole thing. It is great to go to church and devote such and such time to one thing or being. On the other hand, if the only reason one is attending such services is to get approval from ones family or social circle, well, then that isn't right at all!

I am a believer in many things.

Yesterday, Tresa Cory and I went on an adventure. The name of this adventure is called, Let's go hike Kanaraville Falls, since all that water we will be walking through is fresh snow run-off and we may freeze to death! YEAH! So that is what we did. We went for a hike.
Hikes are magical. At the beginning of any hike (if you have not hiked in a while, that is), you get that out of breath feeling, that holy shit I need a break feeling. The trick is to  NOT STOP when you get that feeling, but instead, slow down and focus on your breathing. Pretty soon you are completely over it and marching along up the hill like nobody's business.
On this particular hike, one is required to get their feet wet... and their knees... and their thighs... and if you are vertically challenged like moi, you get wet other places too.. and frozen. BUT it's so worth it! besides, if we were to hike this very same area in about a month, we would not be frozen nor get quite as wet. It's all about timing. Anyway. As we were hiking along, I was in the lead because I had experience on this particular trail, Tresa was a virgin to it. Plus, I like being in front, I don't know why. It is the same when I am driving. I hate being behind people...
As I walked along, I looked around at everything. Just thinking, walking, listening to the sounds, and trying to take in and remember every breathtaking detail of the piece of earth around me.  It really was breathtaking. My thoughts began to jump from memories of the last time I had been there, to random moments and pictures in my brain, to deeper thoughts that I could not control. And then "it" happened. The thought that spoke so loudly, it yelled directly at my heart. The thought said, "If this place, this ONE area on the planet could be so beautiful, so incredibly perfect, photographs of the highest quality wouldn't be able to do it justice, the best of the best artist could never recreate it, not quite, not even close... "IT" is here. "IT" is what every person searching longs to find. "IT" is inside every person! Sometimes "it" can be found in a church, cathedral, masque, temple, brothel, home... But I think, as long as "it" is inside of you, inside of me, Josie Rae, that is what matters."
I found it in a place untouched by opinion, or rules, judgment, or tradition. I found it in pure nature made by the greatest artist of all.