This is my voice, my story, my opinions, my beliefs...

"If they love your work that is always great. If they despise it, it is also a compliment... At least they felt something! Make them feel it." ~Anna Jorgenson

Monday, April 25, 2011

speak. and then think.

"It's called filtering, Joz!" ~Dad & Mom
What does that even mean? World, I have no filter. It gets me into trouble, but it also is a wonderful gift which, if used carefully, gets me far. So many opportunities have come around because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. On the other hand, many blonde moments, inside jokes, and humiliation has come from my inability to think before I speak. Enjoy (:

I have some cousins. A few years ago, we went and spent spring break in Flagstaff, Arizona, where some more cousins live. On the way home, we stopped at some kind of restaurant thing on a buffalo farm to use the facilities. We always have to stop for the facilities when we go anywhere with our mothers and aunts. I now realize that this is a hereditary trait. We all have to stop now days. Anyway, back to my story. We stopped at this restaurant. Me, my grandmother, and my cousins Laura and Andrea stayed in the car for this stop. In the window there was a picture of some sort of burger with the words "Best Buffalo Burgers!" Laura turns to me and says, "Buffalo burgers?! I wonder if those would be good." So I said, without thinking, of course, "Laura, I bet they would be. I've had buffalo wings and those are good!"
Silence. Pure silence.
But not for long. After about five seconds, everyone in the car, my grandmother included, was filled with this insane, out of control laughter! ... oh except for me. Don't worry, I caught on to what they were all laughing after a minute. Family loves you, no matter how dumb you are. It's a beautiful thing.

~miss Rae

used merchandise

I have a problem, and it all comes down to numbers. Sure, I can lie. You won't ever know. The only problem is... I will. 
It really all happened so fast.
It's real, that slippery slope they tell us about when we are small. That once you start, you really can't stop. You stop when you hit bottom and realize what has happened. It's a wake up call. Can you hear it?
Are you awake yet?
I'm finally beginning to wake up. The alarm is going off. I suppose it has been for quite a while. I am an expert at hitting the snooze button...

The trick, my friends, is to just smile. A smile will fool them all.
That's me, in the orange.

I have a great life. I have a wonderful family who loves me. They don't understand me, but some of them try. I love them for that. I have always been an individual. Loud and crazy. I love to prove people wrong. I love to find out for myself what I think and don't think, believe and don't believe. It drives people crazy. I'd like to say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I don't like let things get in my way. Sometimes, life does. How annoying is that? To be acted upon... Don't let it happen. Impossible. I should say, don't let it ruin you. It's super unrealistic to think nothing bad will ever step into your life. It's what we do about it that makes us who we are. Some people run. A beautiful solution, in my opinion. Too bad it is entirely against my nature to do so. I'm a fighter. I deal. It sucks. But it's healthy, I think. I guess we will find out.

~ miss Rae

Saturday, April 23, 2011

free therapy.

everyone needs a little walk down memory lane.
a chance to laugh about the past
whether is was a good or bad day.
the mind tends to dwell on the dramatic.
if it was a terrible day, it will be remembered...
if it was a great day, it too will be cherished...
a day like today.
at least for a moment.
remember the good days.
the happy moments.
on your mark
get set
playing with the camera with your biggest fan.
sunny days with new friends

visiting high school
 to watch the little brother "go out there and hit somebody!" 

going on random adventures with people
 who are just as silly as you are

having fun!

becoming a college kid!
sending a photo of what you are learning at college
 to your mom

finding a redneck scenario

looking fabulous ;)

deciding to go for a walk in a blizzard...
I only slipped 3 times!

being "royal" for a bit
Miss La Verkin 2008
being rebellious

soaking up the perfect moments.
(me and Mom on the beach in Oceanside, California)

Enjoying the good moments. Enduring the bad. But always moving forward for the moments yet to be had.
Yours truly,
~ miss Rae

today is a plant a tree kind of day

My father calls me a "hippy go free free." Mother calls me a "free spirit."
Some of my friends call me "a tree hugger." or as my friend, Tresa Cory says and I quote, "you little democrat, you..." I still don't see exactly how my political party has anything to do with my environmental ideas. Besides the fact that my party supports the same sort of things I do, hence the reason I am registered the way I am. I guess it makes sense. Tresa and I think very differently, but we get along mostly, so it's okay. plus, I know I am right...
Anyway, the rest just call me Josie. Which is my actual name and most politically correct. But who cares about being PC? Besides, all of those terms are incredibly true, I guess. World? Since when is it wrong to care? That's what I'd like to know.  I care about my earth.
So I don't like meat. Except for chicken and fish. It's not that I think it's bad to kill animals and that's why I don't eat them. No sir, I believe animals are on this earth to help people. So if it so happens that eating them helps, then go for it. I simply think they are gross... And I do feel a teensy bit sad for them, not going to lie. I don't feel sad for chickens, though. They are mean birds. Plus they are dumb. Same with fish. LOTS of fish around. And they are delicious. If I could eat fish at every meal, I would.
Today is a sunny day. Best for spending outside in nature. I spent my morning laying outside, then got ready, and then watched my little brother throw it down at his rugby game. They lost, by the way, by three points. When I asked him how he felt about it, he simply replied, "Bastards." Well said, McKay. Well said.
It's almost summer time. This means, I am old. Already done with a full year of college. Where did the time go? All I know is today is a beautiful day. It's time to go outside!

Oh, that's me and part of Tresa.. We are good at taking pictures. Take two?
There we go!
~ miss Rae

Friday, April 22, 2011


Who do the cops think they are? I mean really. I have never been pulled over for speeding, or not driving safe, or running stop signs, or anything pull over worthy! What do I, Josie Rae, get pulled over for? Oh, I get pulled over for my window tint being "too dark." Um, okay, Utah! Where do they come up with this stuff. "Oh, I'm sorry, officer! I didn't realize that my windows were too dark for you to see into.  I didn't realize that you needed to see into my vehicle at all times... oh wait. Now I understand. You want to be able to "see" into my vehicle to make sure I'm not breaking any laws. I forgot that you were trained to be an expert window peeker to make sure my fish bowl is buckled in. I forgot that you have a quota to meet because there are far too many cops for this tiny town..."
I am very bitter about this, you see. Turns out the state of Utah has some sort of law against window tint. Oh, but don't worry, only on the front windows. Uh, what?! You mean not only do I have to SCRAPE my windows, but I only have to scrape half my car? Why don't I just get a new custom paint job while I'm at it. Get a nice stencil of "I look retarded" across the hood. Oh wait, no need, because half of my car will be tinted and the other half wont. People will just already know. Awesome.
I love you, Utah law. Even though you are crazy and don't make any sense at all?

I obviously need a diet coke.
~ miss Rae

Thursday, April 21, 2011

a nasty case of insomnia

Sup World.
You know, night time is really the best time for anything at all... When you live somewhere where nighttime is actually alive. I come from a place like that, naturally. I was born and raised in Las Vegas, Nevada. A city which thrives on the night. One that does not sleep, except between 4 and 5 AM. A city that I still call home, even though, it's not so homey.
Once upon a time, Mom and Dad decided it would be a good idea to move to Utah. NOT LIKE IT WAS BAD ENOUGH, a small town... in. Utah... Yep. I'm not going to lie, I was excited for a change of pace. What I didn't realize was that my pace would go from Jack Rabbit to almost dead turtle. (If you have ever mowed a lawn using a push mower with the "speed thingy," (I don't know what it's called) you understand that when you want the lawnmower to do most of the work for you so you don't have to push so hard, you crank that baby up till it is next to "the rabbit." to the turtle for more of a challenge.) It really isn't so bad if you enjoy having noting to do. It's really great if you like going to A GAS STATION for a drink at 11:00 and finding it CLOSED! What kind of gas station closes??? Small town Utah ones, apparently.
For about three years I have had a lovely case of insomnia. It comes in handy for getting things done. A smart person would use this valuable anti sleep time to do something productive. That, unfortunately, is simply not my style. You see, at night is when my mind wakes up. It doesn't want to do things that "the man" wants it to do. My mind wants to paint. It wants to think about EVERYTHING. It wants to write, compose, read books that have nothing to do with school. It most definitely does not want to work on that research paper due next week. Or study for finals the week after. And above all, it doesn't want to let me let everything on it go and rest.
So what do I do? I've tried everything. Facing south. Drinking warm herbal tea (sans caffeine). Telling myself ridiculous relaxation stories about flying on a cloud, landing in my favorite place, telling each and every part of my body that it is relaxed... When I do that exercise, I do get very relaxed, but then I start to think, why am I so completely aware of how relaxed my elbows are all of a sudden?! And the whole thing is thrown off. I'm telling you. I'm nuts. The best part is that I know this about myself, so that makes it okay, in my opinion.
I have dance class in about eight hours. I still have time to sleep for a normal amount of time. Will I? Probably not. That would make way too much sense.
Well, sweet dreams to you folks. I'm going to draw. Be proud of me! That is homework for my three hour art class tomorrow!

Until next time,
~ miss Rae

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Dear World.
As I am sure you are already aware, today is April 20th.  AKA 420. AKA National "Get High" day!
Last year on this day, Mother found out that I got high. How did she find out? I don't know. I was just SO high! Definitely obvious.. I might have even told her... So, as a kid who used to get high every once in a while with friends, and who doesn't do that "ish" anymore, I want to talk about it!
So what's the big damn deal, right? Weed is kittens! Compared to the other things a person could do, that is.  In fact, if I were given the choice to be medicated with weed or lortab, I would pick the green! Why? First, chemically, it isn't as harmful on your body as most painkillers that work. Second, it's natural. Third, Its far less expensive. And last, I hate taking pills.
It sort of boggles my mind that alcohol is legal, (as long as you are 21), but legalizing marijuana is such a huge political issue... Apparently they "can't tax it." faggots. Anyway, So many people die from alcohol use EVERY DAY! Whether it is because they got behind the wheel, drank too much and got AP, did something stupid like trying to run through a brick wall... the list just keeps going. The point is, it is so dangerous, unhealthy, and super legal and socially accepted!  When was the last time you heard about a death caused by marijuana? ... yeah.
I'm not here because I love to smoke weed. Because those days, for me, are definitely over. I don't need things to make myself feel better. Don't get me wrong, the "feeling" is crazy amazing. But it's not something that I ever NEED to do again. I can just get high off life.  That's really the healthiest choice.

As today is a national holiday, please, for me, just be safe in whatever you do.  Have a beautiful day! P.L.U.R.
until next time,
~ miss Rae  

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

What happens when you get broken?

Hello world.
Sometimes, unfortunately, in this far from perfect world, terrible things occur.  These terrible things are, in fact, terrible.  Hard to move away from, or get past, or not think about. They turn our every thought toward it. Our every action becomes it's mirror. Speaking of mirrors, they become enemies. I come across mirrors often. I hate them. The truth is all a mirror tells, and it tells you what you see. Generally, when a person looks in a mirror, they are bound to catch a glimpse of their face. The truth is written all over a person's face. For me, it's the eyes. My eyes give it all away. Lately, I am not a happy kid. Oh but I try to fake it! I heard once that if you fake it long enough, it becomes reality. I live by this rule. Does it work? Sometimes.
Everybody needs somebody. Someone that is there to listen, or hold you close, or tell you that things may be hard right now, but someday you will laugh. And that day, my friends, is a good day. A day without laughter is wasted, in my opinion. I have seen many wasted days. Luckily, people like the somebodies we all need, are not too extremely hard to find. Sometimes, they are your best friend, your family, your dog, your significant other. I don't have a dog.
In my case, I guess I will stop beating around the bush and write what I came here to write today. List? yes. I think so.
Terrible things:
~ When I was in fourth or fifth grade, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. It has become just a part of life. I am so used to it. It makes me so sick when people yell at their moms, or take advantage of the fact that they can go on shopping trips with them, spend a whole day out and about with them, without having to worry about when mom is going to have to lay down. When is Mom going to need a dose of morphine, just to take the edge off... Me and my mom watch movies :) I love movies with Mom. Some days she can't get out of bed. Those are what I call bad days. Other days she has the energy to take a ride to Costco, or to the grocery store, or the Red Box, or to make some delicious dinner. Those are what I call good days. I love good days.
~ I don't open up. Not to anyone, generally. Any relationship with any boy has always, on my end, been based on physical feelings. Yeah, sure, I like the guy? I think? Or maybe he is just a really good kisser. Who knows? Not me. My inability to open up is just one big trust issue. AKA I have none. If I don't trust anyone, I won't be disappointed when they stab me in the back or decide they are done with me, right? Right.
One day, I let someone in. I let them in, FOR REAL. For the first time, I loved someone, (besides my family) you know what I mean.  Turns out, I should maybe just stick to what I know and keep myself to myself. I'm already broken, I don't need more. Right? Right.
RAPE. It's not cute. It's not fun. It's not okay. Okay?
~ Best friends are hard to come by. They are even harder to lose.

Now. As I am thinking about all of this, I feel like I am being a complete downer. I apologize. This, I guess, is what happens when you get broken. But I feel like there is hope, even for the hopeless.
~ Back to the mirror. It won't lie to you. Staring into a mirror can hurt. It can make you cry. It can also be so therapeutic. Who says crying is bad anyway? A good cry is sometimes just exactly what a person needs in order to push through and move on. Stare into a mirror. Look the truth right in the face and embrace it. It's worth it.

Broken things can be fixed. Even the soul can be mended. Until next time,
~ miss Rae

Monday, April 18, 2011

today I created a blog...

So my name is Josie Rae. I have a lot to say to the world. I want to be free. I want to get out. I want to see things that no one else has... which should be easy, I see everything differently anyway.
I am a college student. It's my first year, and it's almost over. It really is a bitter sweet deal. I love it here. I love being "on my own." whatever that means. More than anything, I just want to take off. Perhaps I will. It might be good for me. At the moment, I am an Art major, Psychology minor. Both are fields that inspire and interest me. Too bad I am not that good at art, and I don't really have the patients to go through 8 years of college to do anything worth while in the Psychology world.
I created this blog, because my shrink told me I should write a book. I love to write! When I do take off, I want to find myself a hole in the wall place to live, get a job at some sort of hippy store, and just live and be happy. I really have no interest in being rich, just truly happy for like a minute? please?
Anyway. I'll be the first to say that I have some issues. Definitely not like other girls. Readers will learn exactly what I'm talking about eventually.
My hope is that someone somewhere will read what I have to say and maybe I'll help them. That's all I want. To get MY VOICE out there. Hence, the name of my blog.
Life is an adventure, I hope to write it all down. I have experienced great and terrible things. I like to think they have made me a stronger woman.
I don't really know what else to say without telling you my life story, so I guess I'll end here, for now.
With much more to come! I remain yours, whoever you are,
~ miss Rae