This is my voice, my story, my opinions, my beliefs...

"If they love your work that is always great. If they despise it, it is also a compliment... At least they felt something! Make them feel it." ~Anna Jorgenson

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

What happens when you get broken?

Hello world.
Sometimes, unfortunately, in this far from perfect world, terrible things occur.  These terrible things are, in fact, terrible.  Hard to move away from, or get past, or not think about. They turn our every thought toward it. Our every action becomes it's mirror. Speaking of mirrors, they become enemies. I come across mirrors often. I hate them. The truth is all a mirror tells, and it tells you what you see. Generally, when a person looks in a mirror, they are bound to catch a glimpse of their face. The truth is written all over a person's face. For me, it's the eyes. My eyes give it all away. Lately, I am not a happy kid. Oh but I try to fake it! I heard once that if you fake it long enough, it becomes reality. I live by this rule. Does it work? Sometimes.
Everybody needs somebody. Someone that is there to listen, or hold you close, or tell you that things may be hard right now, but someday you will laugh. And that day, my friends, is a good day. A day without laughter is wasted, in my opinion. I have seen many wasted days. Luckily, people like the somebodies we all need, are not too extremely hard to find. Sometimes, they are your best friend, your family, your dog, your significant other. I don't have a dog.
In my case, I guess I will stop beating around the bush and write what I came here to write today. List? yes. I think so.
Terrible things:
~ When I was in fourth or fifth grade, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. It has become just a part of life. I am so used to it. It makes me so sick when people yell at their moms, or take advantage of the fact that they can go on shopping trips with them, spend a whole day out and about with them, without having to worry about when mom is going to have to lay down. When is Mom going to need a dose of morphine, just to take the edge off... Me and my mom watch movies :) I love movies with Mom. Some days she can't get out of bed. Those are what I call bad days. Other days she has the energy to take a ride to Costco, or to the grocery store, or the Red Box, or to make some delicious dinner. Those are what I call good days. I love good days.
~ I don't open up. Not to anyone, generally. Any relationship with any boy has always, on my end, been based on physical feelings. Yeah, sure, I like the guy? I think? Or maybe he is just a really good kisser. Who knows? Not me. My inability to open up is just one big trust issue. AKA I have none. If I don't trust anyone, I won't be disappointed when they stab me in the back or decide they are done with me, right? Right.
One day, I let someone in. I let them in, FOR REAL. For the first time, I loved someone, (besides my family) you know what I mean.  Turns out, I should maybe just stick to what I know and keep myself to myself. I'm already broken, I don't need more. Right? Right.
RAPE. It's not cute. It's not fun. It's not okay. Okay?
~ Best friends are hard to come by. They are even harder to lose.

Now. As I am thinking about all of this, I feel like I am being a complete downer. I apologize. This, I guess, is what happens when you get broken. But I feel like there is hope, even for the hopeless.
~ Back to the mirror. It won't lie to you. Staring into a mirror can hurt. It can make you cry. It can also be so therapeutic. Who says crying is bad anyway? A good cry is sometimes just exactly what a person needs in order to push through and move on. Stare into a mirror. Look the truth right in the face and embrace it. It's worth it.

Broken things can be fixed. Even the soul can be mended. Until next time,
~ miss Rae


  1. i rufffffff you. and i can comment now because i follow you like a creep. but not a real one, just a metaphorical one.

    andddd yeah, chin up buttercup. :)

    in the words of father mike (&jesus): know that you are loved.

  2. oh my heck. I love this SO much! it truly inspired me. I'm so glad that I found your blog. and I can't wait to read more. :)