This is my voice, my story, my opinions, my beliefs...

"If they love your work that is always great. If they despise it, it is also a compliment... At least they felt something! Make them feel it." ~Anna Jorgenson

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A letter to my mother

Dear Mom,
I know that I tell you every day that I love you. Most the time I feel like a show it. I feel so sad when I disappoint you, do something to hurt you, make you cry. I really cannot stand myself in times like those. Right here, I would like to apologize. Apologize for those moments, those days that I didn't call. Those times that I made you cry. Because Momma? I love you. You have always been the one person I knew I could count on. You have always lifted me up when I've fallen, always held me close when I cried, always stood by my side when no one else would. Mom, you are the greatest. You are superwoman! You have so much to carry, so much on your plate, but you still find the time, the energy to make me feel like I am the only person in your life. That my issues are the only things that matter.
I wish I could take back all those things that made you sad. All those things I did that you taught me were so bad. In a way, I don't regret them, because they made me who I am. I just wish I would have thought, thought about my mom at home. You are my rock. My one support. The one whose opinion I care most about.
It's funny how easy it is to hurt the ones we care for the most. Yet we jump through hoops for strangers, step lightly to keep from stepping on their toes.
The other day, before I came home from college, I was hanging out with a friend and her mom in a hot tub. I almost broke into tears watching them talk about the simplest things. Watching her and her mom just hang out like they always have. I missed you so much right then. I thought, in that second, about my life and having you in it. I thought about the time before you got sick, when we would go on bike rides, to the gym, go shopping with the aunts and grandma, run errands, babysit Jolie... When you came to pick me up after my very first day of kindergarten and I ran into your arms... I thought about the day you sat the family down and told us what the doctors said. I thought about then and now, how things have changed as we have gotten older. I think about my friends, how they seem to fight a lot with their moms. They don't understand how very precious their situation is. I hate the thought of fighting with you. Of saying something that might hurt your feelings. I hate the thought of thinking back after you are gone and seeing insignificant fights. I try to make that not be the case. I hope I make you proud, Mom. I hope, even though, I'm not the same girl I used to be, that you still love me just the same. I love you more and more each day.
Mommy, what am I going to do without you?
What am I going to do if you aren't here on the day I fall in love? Or to take me to the bridal store? To meet the man I marry? Or the day I start a family?
I don't know if I am mature enough for this. I'm selfish. I want you to stay. But I told God, back in high school, that I would let him decide. As long as He is there to help me after He takes you home.
I think about these things at night. At night when I'm all alone.
I love you and think about you always.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."  
You used to sing that song to me when I would have bad dreams or get hurt. You sang it to me over the phone while I was away at school, that one night when I was so alone. That night when my heart was broken, more broken then ever before. You were there for me when no one else was or knew how.

Now I feel like I am rambling. But I wanted to wish you a happy mother's day. You truly are incredible. I couldn't have ever asked for a better mom, nor would I wish you any other way.

i love you.
~ miss Rae

1 comment:

  1. this is amazing. and i bawled like a baby.